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Discussion Desperate Times

DeathBringer125
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DeathBringer125

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Hey I might be starting a seraphon short story called Desperate Times. The story will be about Taen’Tlatl (pronounced Tyen-Tlahtl) who is a skink that the Slann do experiments on (not like mad scientist stuff but like magic experimentation) and the Slann figure out how to imbue him with magic. The Slann send Taen’Tlatl out to aid in the war versus Chaos.
Also I have no promises that this will be made or if it is I may not have time to continue it.
 
I woke up in the temple. Quickly reaching for my boltspitter so I could go train. I grabbed it but then I remembered. I thought back on the Slann standing over me, countless hours of them sitting there sending beans of magic into me. I remembered Lord Kroak’s spirit hovering over my body, while his body sat on its palanquin, a ghostly glow coming from its once life filled eye sockets. I remember feeling a severe burst of pain and my vision fading, “QUICKLY MORE MAGIC! THE RITUAL MUST BE COMPLETED OR HE WILL DIE!” Lord Kroak yelled. The Slann redoubled their efforts and sent an even higher concentration of magic into me. The pain woke me up, I screamed in agony. The Slann started to look terrified. Lord Kroak yelled “END THE RITUAL, END IT NOW!”. The Slann stopped and a terrified look crossed their faces. The Slann, including Lord Kroak, took a step back and stared at me. With the pain suddenly gone I stood up and asked what had happened. They stood speechless until one conjured a spell that I could use like a mirror. I gasped in horror. Across my chest was the Sigil of the Seraphon and it glowed a light blue. I asked what had happened and finally Lord Kroak stepped forwards in his ghostly form and said “You have been imbued with a fraction of each of our power. As a group we will have to discuss what will become of you. Please return to your quarters and do not speak to anyone. Meet us here tomorrow in the evening.
 
I'm liking it so far, and it makes me wonder what's coming next. Nice job!

DeathBringer125 said:
The pain woke me up, I screamed in agony.
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"The pain woke me up, making my body scream in pure agony."

I think that would work much better in my opinion.

Among that, there is some grammar issues there and there.
 
Yeah I know lol grammar is my bane I get to caught up In what I’m writing that I forget to fix grammatical errors. I won’t write anymore tonight lol I’m exhausted but I might write some tomorrow.
 
DeathBringer125 said:
This is the start tell me what you guys think!
Click to expand...

Excellent premise to make a story with.

I would advise breaking up your single block of text into smaller paragraphs. Unless you want to keep the finished product to short story length, I would advice tripling or even quadrupling the introduction length. The Slann are usually mysterious and aloof and they often communicate on telepathic levels beyond a Skink's understanding.. Make the character have to work for the explanation, at least a little bit. The spirit of Kroak telling the Skink EXACTLY what's going on is unusual.

If you want to have established character types (in this case Slann) act against what readers expect them to act like, you need to have a reason.

But the most important thing to figure out is what challenges are worthy of such a Skink.
 
Good start.
It also struck me as odd that Kroak is explaining something to a Skink, but then he may have his reasons I guess.

Looking forward to more. :)
 
Lol part two delayed I was at my friends house till 12 lol. And to answer the proposition of Scalenex regarding the Slann. I am probably going to end up just leaving that as it is but explaining the shock of the character. Basically the Slann were doing a ritual (to be explained later) and lost control. The reason they were so clear is they were shocked at what had happened and slightly afraid at the possible repercussions. Also lol I am making a page for some memes I made lol.
 
Part two.
I spent the next hour or so trying to figure out what would become of me. Surely I couldn’t be allowed to live, I would be an anomaly, a risk. Having Lord Kroak speak to me like a Slann left me very puzzled. Usually the Slann do not explain things to us lesser beings. This must mean that something very terrible had happened to me. My head was swimming and I quickly jumped up when I realized what time it was, I couldn’t keep the Slann waiting. I raced out of my hut and proceeded to the Grand Temple. As I approached the ziggurat like temple I grew very nervous. Nevertheless I knew my duty was to serve the mighty Slann and submit myself to their will. I walked up the stairs, the golden pillars towering high above me with their magnificent carvings. I reached the massive door, it was thirty feet tall and twenty feet wide on each door. Twenty Kroxigors stood on each side and slowly pushed open the gates. I entered, feeling terrified.
 
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I proceeded down the long hallway, gold engraved pillars on each side down the aisle. I saw the Slann sitting there around Lord Kroak, they were talking. My mouth was dry, my end was near, my heart raced. I walked down the aisle suddenly feeling very small next to the forty foot high pillars. I finally reached the end of the aisle, where I bowed. Lord Kroak beckoned me up. I slowly walked very unsteadily up the stairs on to the raised platform where the Slann sat. I saw their golden thrones, engraved with stories of Kroq’Gar, Tehenhauin, and other mighty heroes. Lord Kroak started to speak and said “Taen’Tlatl you have been brought before this council to address the issue of what happened to you.” I would be executed but I wanted to die boldly. I said “Very well, I will accept whatever punishment to Council wishes me to have.” I kneeled in front of Lord Kroak so he could end me. Seeing me do this, Lord Kroak said “Do not be afraid, our will is not for you to die but, for you to aid us with a daunting task. You are to meet with an Oldblood by the name of Krek’Tlechtlul. You are dismissed.” I stood up and said “Thank you my Lord, I will not let you down.” I then proceeded to leave.
 
Tell me what you think. And yes I did see some of my grammar issues and spelling issues lol. Oh and Krek’Tlechtlul is pronounced Creck-Taylesh-Tuhlool
 
You seem to use a lot of short sentences. That's a good way to avoid grammatical problems to a certain degree, and in this case it is also a good way to depict the racing thoughts of your main protagonist.

Just keep in mind that for less tense moments it can be an advantage to make longer sentences, you can slow down the storytelling pace that way.

I like how the plot develops so far.
 
As it was early in the morning, I made my way to where Krek’Tlechtlul lived. To navigate there I used my holomap of the ship. I simply entered in Krek’Tlechtlul and it showed my exactly how to find him. Holomaps were made to allow us to navigate our vast ship. The Slann use their magic to power them and the ship. Our ship was to flagship of the Seraphon fleet, it is the size of a small continent. The interior of the ships looks like the jungles of Lustria. The Slann use magic to make a day and night cycle as well as rainfall. This setup allows us to live just as if we still had our homeland. After around thirty minutes I reached a large ziggurat shaped house. These houses were reserved for high ranking soldiers of the Seraphon. Normal houses were medium sized hits elevated on wooden poles. In the ziggurat was a large entrance directly in its center that had a large cave inside. I guessed that it was used to House a carnosaur, a ferocious creature that formed a bond with their riders. Once bonded with their owners could tell their thoughts and could communicate with them using an ancient link from the old ones. I heard noise from the other side of the ziggurat. I slowly made my way around the large house. Once I got to the other side I saw a large figure with a spear in hand. He was training by attacking a chaos marauder. It wasn’t a real marauder but was a fragment of magic told to fight like a chaos marauder and resemble it. The Slann bestow these fragments to high ranking officers of the Seraphon in order to help sharpen their skills. I saw him quickly bat aside the marauders axe and lunge for him, he bit down hard on the marauders throat and ripped with all his might. The marauder crumpled the the ground defeated. I watched as the marauder turned into a small sphere of magic and flew into the Oldblood’s amulet, which housed it.
 
I added the next part. The focus of this section was to explain more of the ship and how it works, as well as how the Seraphon live. I hope you enjoy.
 
I approached him and greeted him. He turned around and said “are you Taen’Tlatl?” “Yes”, I replied. He then said “Our assignment is to attack a small chaos outpost to test your skills. If we succeed, the Slann want us to attack a fortress of Khorne and rid that area of chaos.” “Very well”, I replied. He then told me that we would leave tomorrow. I then returned to my quarters. The next day I headed towards the Celestial Portal. The portal was used to align Starhosts and to beam them to the surface. When I arrived I realized that the Slann had prepped a very large siege force. They certainly weren’t taking a risk. Our forces included around two-thousand Saurus Warriors, one-thousand skinks, five hundred kroxigors, five starpriests, eight stegadons, eight hundred Saurus guards, three bastiladons armed with solar engines, and five Engines of the Gods. This was no small siege.
 
Hey sorry I haven’t written more lol I’ve been very busy.
 
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