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Ultimate household monster survival guide

What order shall I cover the monsters?

  • Basement stairs monster

  • Dark room monster

  • Shower Curtain monster

  • Monster under the bed

  • Closet Monster

  • Boogeyman

Results are only viewable after voting.
Lizerd
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Lizerd

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As we all know various monsters dwell in our houses. This thread is meant to be a guide on how to survive and vanquish them.

so the poll- which ever monster gets the most votes gets covered first, and then the second monster with the second most votes gets covered next and so on so forth.

Introduction: This applies to almost all monsters. They are predatory and feast off of unsuspecting fools who walk into their ambushes. However there are some saving graces that allow them to be overcome. First off, all monsters are pretty stupid and are hoping that you either will enter their ambush timid, or enter not suspecting if their presence at all.

Equipment: you will want
  1. A slower friend (in case all goes poorly and you need to escape). This grants advantage in numbers
  2. Bait, monsters are stupid and will lunge at why flies by them, socks, shoes, anything vaguely smelly.
  3. Blankets. Monsters can’t bite through thick padding.
  4. A nearby light switch as they all fear the light
Optional weapons include
  1. Swords, it’s a bit extreme but effective
  2. Dirty laundry, it’s a bit extreme but effective
  3. Toy swords (thanks @Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl ) intimidating
  4. Nerf blasters, they make lots of noise and can be used as an improvised club
 
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I am intrigued by the shower curtain monster. I have never heard of such a monster. I have heard of Mr. Tolietman though.

 
When I was very little, my father was a university employee so he put me in the same daycare that professors put their kids in. Anyway, our daycare center was in the same building as some lecture halls on different floors. No one wanted a bunch of 3-5 year olds bothering college lectures (though the building was primarily for primary school teachers so you think aspiring kindergarten teachers can handle it).

My day care teacher spun elaborate stories about a witch that lived in the stairwell. It just so happened that the stairwells had old timey brick walls and the exposed lightbulbs gave off a sort of creepy reddish light. Four year old me, thought of course a witch lives here!

I saw my day care teacher (who was a friend of my parents) again at age 7 and I had forgotten about the witch. I was happy to see her. Like a favorite aunt.

I went to that same building for summer programs at age ten. Of course I knew there wasn't a witch in the stairwell but I was conditioned like Pavlov's dog to fear that stairwell. I vowed then if I ever saw my daycare teacher again to tell her she is a horrible person.
 
Scalenex said:
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I think I’m with @Scalenex on this one - all monsters live in fear of any remotely competent cuddly toy. When we first moved in, an exceptionally violent example was made of the Monster Under the Bed by our resident teddies and since then no monster had dared come within a five mile radius of our house
 
Alright, by popular vote I’m covering the shower curtain monster.

first off, what is the shower curtain monster? The shower curtain monster lives in almost every dwelling with a shower curtain, and to adapt to its environment, it is pale and skinny, easily allowing it to wriggle around in shower curtains. They typically hide in where there the shower curtain is at its densest. Their hope is to lure you into the shower where they can swiftly devour you. However they are stupid, and haven’t realized their greatest fear, running water, is a constant in the bathroom.

when to watch out: they typically hide in the curtain, and when you turn on your shower they slither out. When your concerned about closing your eyes in the shower, this is the reason why. Almost certainly, one of these slippery bastards is watching you. The next part is they hope to get you coming out of the shower, and this is where you’re most vulnerable.

hiw to fight back; the easiest way to drive out a shower curtain monster is to have a viable part of the shower curtain, preferably around head level. The other defense is singing while in the shower, they have zero taste in music and only listen to cardi b, so any half decent song will cause them to cower in fear.
 
Lizerd said:
Alright, by popular vote I’m covering the shower curtain monster.

first off, what is the shower curtain monster? The shower curtain monster lives in almost every dwelling with a shower curtain, and to adapt to its environment, it is pale and skinny, easily allowing it to wriggle around in shower curtains. They typically hide in where there the shower curtain is at its densest. Their hope is to lure you into the shower where they can swiftly devour you. However they are stupid, and haven’t realized their greatest fear, running water, is a constant in the bathroom.

when to watch out: they typically hide in the curtain, and when you turn on your shower they slither out. When your concerned about closing your eyes in the shower, this is the reason why. Almost certainly, one of these slippery bastards is watching you. The next part is they hope to get you coming out of the shower, and this is where you’re most vulnerable.

hiw to fight back; the easiest way to drive out a shower curtain monster is to have a viable part of the shower curtain, preferably around head level. The other defense is singing while in the shower, they have zero taste in music and only listen to cardi b, so any half decent song will cause them to cower in fear.
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Method #2...

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Is this some sort of late April Fools' thread @Lizerd?

No?

OK, in that case, I nominate the Dark Room Monster, as that was the only one I knew of when I was little (we don't have a basement or shower curtain - our shower has windows with that slewed clear plastic instead and our shower room is separate with its own door from the other rooms in the house, and I knew there weren't any monsters in the cupboards or under the bed).

Lizerd said:
Optional weapons include
  1. Swords, it’s a bit extreme but effective
  2. Dirty laundry, it’s a bit extreme but effective
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Why don't you split the difference and try using toy swords? Certainly any self-respecting Lustria Online forumite under the age of 30 will still probably have one somewhere in their house, and those over that age will probably know where to get one. That's certainly what I used to fend off Dark Room monsters when I was young.

NIGHTBRINGER said:
The only monsters I'm afraid of in my house are spiders.... god, I hate those bastards!
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Lizerd said:
Spiders are vulnerable to shoes. That should do the trick
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Spiders are fine, I can evict those from the house with my bug catcher without needing to murder them, but wasps I cannot abide. They are probably the creature in this world with the third biggest capacity for evil after humans and pet cats
 
Alright Dark Room monster it is.

unlike the somewhat niche shower curtain monster, the dark room monster lives in almost every house. The dark room monster has a variety of habitats, typically all in the dark. They hide around corners or in the darkest parts of a room, waiting in ambush for unsuspecting victims. However, like all monsters they’re pretty stupid. This leads to them often giggling in anticipation. However if they don’t make noise, usually an unnatural level of silence will mark their presence. So here is how we counter them.

the first and easiest method is to hit a light switch before entering a dark room. They hate the light and will quickly retreat to the murky depths where they came. This is the easiest of all listed counters as the risk is minimal.

however you may not have a light switch immediately in your area. So instead, take a second person. Both of you should talk like normal, as this confuses the monster. Also it’s a coward and refuses to fight a 2v1. As soon as you turn on lights, it will run away.
 
Nazqua said:
Got any details on appearance? Im pretty sure I saw one the other day... Or are they more part of the actual shadows themselves?
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They’re things. Most I can tell is they are tall and very flexible. They usually run away after lights come on making a good description pretty hard.

they also very from region to region, for instance if they are in a cold place, they become harrier
 
Lizerd said:
They’re things. Most I can tell is they are tall and very flexible. They usually run away after lights come on making a good description pretty hard.

they also very from region to region, for instance if they are in a cold place, they become hairier
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You should produce some illustrations of these mate, and publish them in a spotter’s guide, perhaps the same publishing house as that which publishes all your “children’s books”.

‘The Observer’s Book of Household Monsters’ by @Lizerd ;)

(You may not get the joke - the Observer’s books were a series of spotter’s guides published in Britain in the 50s and 60s).
 
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