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Fiction Carnikang's Short Story Competition Entries

Carnasaur

Carnikang

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Topic has been converted to house my Short Story Competition Entries. Easy, as there were only two.


Call of the Stars (Jan-Feb 2017 Entry)
(Edited Version)
It was warm where it floated, much like he remembered from his first days. It was good, simple, and sublime. The feeling seemed to last an eternity, yet also an instant something jerked on the world, or was it his being? The warm surroundings disappeared, every light and feeling around him seeming to fall into a whirlpool of color.

The world stopped with a jarring thud, and was black. Something tickled the senses, his nose? A rough surface, his scales? Gingerly the being opened his eyes, the golden orbs watery as they caught light and darkness for the first time, or was it the last? A rumble followed from a broad chest, a growl of both frustration and pain. Claws reached for his throbbing skull, and felt something warm yet hard like stone, touch his crested temple. Looking to the object, eyes saw an ornate claw, or one within a stone gauntlet. Jerking at a sudden pain in it's mind, voices filled his skull. Dozens of them penetrating and worming around within.

It moves. It lives. It thinks and reasons with its surroundings.

Is he as he was?

We shall see. We must test it.

As the others were?

Our hopes lie with him. The test must be administered.

Will we remember this one correctly?

Focus, we cannot try again.

The Anathema must fall, we will try again.


Standing slowly, the being stood and surveyed his surroundings through bleary eyes. A chamber tall and round, a single shaft of light piercing the apex. Many shadowy forms resided in the darkness outside of the light, though he could not tell if their were a dozen or a thousand. His mind was invaded again, as a bestial roar suddenly split the chamber.

Fight, prove yourself, were the thundering thoughts from more powerful minds that rocked his own; you are the last, the only one who may find our hope.

Moments later a massive reptilian beast exploded from the shadows, scales of fiery red, with eyes of hunger and claws of obsidian. Something awoke within, the awoken one charging the beast and striking at it with his stone gauntlet before breaking away and moving to strike again and again.

Snapping jaws, scything claws, and a crushing tail whipped about in a whirlwind melee, the two beings vying for the upper-hand. The beast roared and hissed, using it's greater bulk and muscular body to bully the smaller scaled biped. A silent and grim figure was a stark contrast, ducking beneath death laced claws, and leaping over a whipping tail of fury. All the while his mind raced as a feeling crept into it. This creature was his, it was one with him.

The feeling persisted, niggling at the back of consciousness, while the two continued their deadly dance. The Slann looked on, impassive but for their eyes. Here and there a widening eye, a nervous twitch, or a hopeful glance to another shadowy observer.

The battle came to a head in an instant. One of the tree-trunk legs shot out as the awoken ducked beneath the beast, and the combatant was sent flying. The room inhaled sharply.

The floor met his scaled side hard, and he slid on something wet. Moments turned into an eternity as golden orbs snapped open to see a gaping maw mere inches away. Slann clenched their webbed hands on stone seats, the sudden emotional turmoil surging about the room. Yet unable to touch the two in the light.

The beast's jaws would have clamped shut and torn him apart had they not been stopped by his own strength. One claw held the crushing bottom of the monster's jaw, while the stone-gauntlet held the huge fangs of the top at bay. The titanic forces between the two surged and muscles bulged. Reaching within, the warrior felt for a reserve of strength, a last reservoir of might. A name sprung forth instead, and his mind focused on it.

Grymloq

A mighty heave and the beast was thrown to it's side, stunned by the impact. Assaulted by a sudden mental calling, it scrabbled on the stone-floor. The one that had bested it glared down into it's orbs of fire with those of molten gold, wills doing battle as fiercely as their physical struggle had been. It relaxed slowly after a short time, recognizing the greater predator. A relieved wave of emotion settled throughout the chamber as the beast was cowed.

Good. You are worthy, unlike the other iterations. Only now did the smell of rent flesh and an odd ozone flavor tickle the tongue. Skin, scales, bones even, littered the floor, some glittering oddly in the light. Remains of those who could not conquer part of themselves, mere fragments. One caught his eye, a stone piece that looked as if it had come from his left arm.

His gauntlet was whole.

"What is this?" the voice came from his own throat, raspy and unused for what might have been millennia. There was a cold feeling deep in his belly, something truly alien amid all of this unfamiliarity. Was it fear?

The beginning of the Old One's vengeance, the beginning of Hope for their shattered Great Plan.This string of thoughts echoed more powerfully, coming from one mind in particular. It was shrouded, but it was familiar and ancient all at once.

"And I?" the words echoed in the chamber, the memories and being of the one who asked confused and jumbled in his own mind. He knew, but also did not know himself. What was he, and what was his purpose? The thought was plucked from his mind, the same 'voice' responding among others.

The Slayer of Anathema.

Lord of Beasts.

Herald of the First.


You are the Last Defender of Xhotl, and the First Spear of the Starmasters. You are "Kroq-Gar" the words rolled off the lips of every Slann in the chamber, and even the saurus himself spoke, his being and purpose suddenly clear. His mind unclouded now, the Old-Blood hefted a spear that materialized in his hand, ornate and shimmering with power, while the gauntlet that covered his left claw flared with the light of a million suns.

"I am the First Spear of the Starmasters, the Vengeance of the Old Ones. I will not fail in my task." His voice was cold and hard, filled with conviction as the massive Carnosaur roared along side it's eternal rider.


Alone in the Dark (Jan-Feb 2020 Entry)
The world around him was cold. A chill that had never penetrated his scales, much less crept under his hide, now permeated his bones. The cold was not the only feeling that touched the great beast.

Eyes slowly opening, the creature stood up from a jagged bed of rocks. A wetness surrounded him, and dribbled off of his wide shoulders. Blurry images of other scaled forms could be seen in a poorly lit chamber, scattered about the water filled pools. A massive clawed hand reached up from his side and cradled his pounding skull. Another unfamiliar sensation, the rush of blood to the great creature's brain brought confusion. Yet with it came a dim clarity, as his senses sharpened with the sudden pain in his skull.

A sweet and repulsive smell filled his nose, the pool at his feet sloshing against his ankles as he took a step back from one of the forms. It too was cold, like he had been, but it was unmoving. Bloody. It looked like one of his spawn-kin. The dots connected themselves slowly, as his memory returned. They were his spawn-kin. His clawed hand moved away from his skull, the wetness there deep crimson against his dark blue-green scales. A bracelet of gold hung from his wrist, glyphs hammered into it. His name, given to him by one of the small ones. The beast rumbled low, reaching out and prodding one of the little bodies. Not one moved of it's own accord as he searched them. His reverberating growl turned to a weak whine. Even the greatest of his spawn-kin, the one with a red crest, lay atop a small rocky platform at the edge of the pool. This one's heart had been pulled from the chest. Another low growl followed as he turned from his slain kin, looking for an exit from this nightmarish place.

One was not but a few dozen strides away, on the stony platform that Red Crest was laying on. With a snap of his jaws and a few experimental slaps of his tail in the water, the great beast headed for the tunnel entrance. It too was dark, cold and wet. Streaks of red could be seen along the tunnel floor, leading from the pools behind him and into the darkness before him. Another smell filled the tunnel, one that made saliva pool in his mouth and his muscles tense for a hunt. Rats. Their musk was thick in the air.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Why do we wait-camp here? Scale-things are dead-dead...." muttered a ratman as he stood guard at the edge of a ragged camp. A toothpick of a spear was clutched in one paw lazily, the other holding a shield made of rusted iron and rotten wood. To his left, was another ratman, almost identical were it not for the bandage around his head where an eye would be.

"Clawlord Skagllesnirt spoke-squeaked. Think-thinks there are more in the tunnels. Scale-things are tricksy, he say-squeak all the time." the other replied, seeming bored, though his one good eye did eye the other skaven contemptuously.

The first scoffed and kicked a rock against the tunnel wall that they stood at. Behind them, the camp was a mess of green sickly light and noise. Situated at a crossroads of three separate tunnels, the camp was supposedly more defensible this way.

"Skagllesnirt say-squeak this, say-squeak that...." it mocked the other's reedy voice. This continued for a few moments more before the two were brawling with knives.

It was then that a massive pale grey and blue shape came barreling from the darkness. Eyes bright yellow and gleaming with rage. No roar came as its massive jaws closed around the first skaven's head. The second was frozen in fear, seeing half of his compatriot disappear in a bloody mess. Opening his mouth to call for help in a shrill plea, the vermin only got half a word out before the shape twisted violently. A meaty tail smacking him to the side, cutting off his words. Colliding with the tunnel wall, the wind was knocked from the small ratman's lungs. It slumped, dazed, before a giant clawed foot kicked his head against the stone. Blood, brains, and skull-fragments splattered up the wall, touching the ceiling nearly twenty feet up.

Despite the violence, no rat in the camp seemed to notice. The great scaled shape grabbed both bodies and dragged them back down the tunnel. It hustled along quickly and as silently as he could. All the while, the great crocodilian reveled at the warmth of meat in his belly. The blood may have tasted of corruption and the meat stringy, but it was meat nonetheless.

It was a few minutes of travel back down the tunnel before the warmth seemed to seep away and the great one stuffed the other half of the first skaven into his gullet. Stopping at a branching tunnel, he squeezed into it. It was a much tighter fit, but it served as a hole to hide in while he ate and recollected his dim thoughts. There in the darkened corner of the small tunnel, he looked once more at his bracelet, trying to fathom the writing. He remembered being called something, but what it was escaped him. The memories before awakening were fuzzy, blurred. There had been a reason to come into these tunnels. A reason that he could not fathom. Yet he remembered it had to do with the stars. The thought brought with it a longing, to see the stars, to reach them. Looking to the ceiling of the cave, his crocodilian snout touched the stone there. The headless corpse in his clawed hand was set down, and he too sat.

There were many others, he realized. The scent of the camp had been repugnant, but it was not the only source of intriguing smells. Others different from the ratman stench could be detected coming from many more small branching tunnels.

One thought pressed against the thick skull of the beast. He was alone. Far from home, and without a memory to guide him. Absently pulling the corpse to his mouth, he tore off an arm and swallowed it whole. The warmth relaxed him enough to make him comfortable against the rough rock. The pain was receding in his skull now, and the cold was retreating from his bones. Perhaps once he had done more hunting, things would be more clear.
 
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Critiques

Call of the Stars Critiques
8. Call of the Stars
Score: 8/10
Reasoning: An interesting read. I'm not particularly sure when this setting is, but it's definitely not in the Old World, and it doesn't seem to be in Age of Sigmar. Then again, we create new settings and worlds when we write, so that's not that big of an issue. I had a few issues with some wordings here, namely what appeared to be an oversight in description during the conflict. Here and there pacing feels off, and everything sounds almost clinical when it's read. In a report or perhaps a review, that can be a good thing. In a story, that detracts from the emotion that it is supposed to invoke, and make it feel boring or drawn out. The descriptions were well done, and I did get a sense of otherworldly arena style games perhaps. It is still decently well written, and the pros outweigh the cons.

Story 8: Call of the Stars

- Opening paragraphs like this always make me think I am floating around in the background of Slanputin's avatar.

- Another AOS story, and I enjoyed this one too. How did the Slann learn to create soldiers out of memories? This story answers that question: through lots of experimentation and practice. It makes sense the Slann didnt figure out how to do this overnight. Over the centuries floating around in null-space, the Slann had plenty of time to figure out how to best beat the daemons and Chaos. They worked together to solidify their memories of their history's GREATEST WARRIORS and brought them back to life, starting with the most awesome Lizardmen general ever: Kroq-Gar. Makes sense to start with him. The story almost makes it sound like he was the first one the Slann ever attempted to "bring back from the dead," although a better way to put it would be, the first one they tried to "recreate out of memory and star-magic." Many previous attempts sound like they failed, based on the voices at the start of the short story. Who knows what kind of barriers the Slann had to break to create this kind of magic, sacrifices they had to make, laws of magic and the universe they had to bend or outright ignore, to manufacture beings of their own creation?

- Must have taken centuries. But I like the result! Kroq-Gar has awakened.

- Might have to add this seminal story-event into the Lizardmen AOS timeline, as the instant when Kroq-Gar was willed back into existence to carry on his immortal fight against the Anathema. Great story!
Characters:
The Slann- the survivors of the Lost World.
Kroq-Gar- the oldblood who needs no introduction. It was pretty awesome to get to the point and read the name Grymloq, and realize that the character in question was literally the most famous saurus warrior in the history of the Lizardmen. Fantastic!

8. Call To The Stars

I like how this addresses how the slann transformed their powers coming into the age of Sigmar, through trial and error. You’re not given much information to start with, but it’s brilliant the way it unfolds. If they have to start somewhere start with the biggest and the best. The action is great, and really gives you a sense of relief and excitement when the name Grymloc is mentioned and the final heave before the two understood each other once more. The gory scene of the previous attempts is all too telling of the desperation felt by the slann, and the call for vengeance and redemption. This was an epic tale, expertly unfolded for us.

call to the stars
An interesting take on things, even if I'm not totally familiar with age of copyright. A good story but didn't write have the flow, I found myself going back on sentences every now and again. But overall, another strong candidate

8 Call of the Stars
Another poetic entry. The as-yet-unnamed hero starts with urges and basic instincts with awareness tugging him from a distance. As he acts, at first for survival, then other forgotten instincts he unlocks the mystery of his identity and purpose. Or something like that.

For me “poetic” evokes feelings and sensations through the written medium. In this story’s case this happens without compromise of a vivid and exciting duel for dominance.

Given the wordsmith’s artistry, it was a bit surprising to find some little inconsistencies, for example the patchy use of italics and bold, and some confusion over the use of he and it. Clearly it should have been :she” in every case.

And “it’s should have been “its” in the last paragraph. I have never been happier with @Scalenex's proofreading.

Author Clues: @Slanputin can do light and sensation like this, but I understood all of the words, so probably not her. The title has nothing to do with the story so it could be @Lady Tor'ti Llaz (as per her clue). If we call this one “Warlord of Sorrow” and then we give that one the title "The Next Generation”. Then "The Next Generation” could be called “Call of the Stars” And then everything would be fixed. I assume @Scalenex jumbled the titles by accident.

Call of the Stars:

There were things I liked about this story and things I did not. I liked the idea behind the story. Kroq-Gar coming back and having to face his faithful mount. A struggle of two great wills. The faceless slann in the background. All of it had just the right flair of drama to be a great short story. However, I think if the author read some of his/her sentences out loud, he/she would have been able to save readers a great deal of grief. There are some great descriptions throughout, but the execution was found a bit wanting. Sentence structure and flow is key in keeping a reader interested. There were times where I really liked some of the descriptions and I understood what you were saying, but it needed to be sanded and smoothed. Broad strokes, you had all the telltale marks of a great story, but it’s the details that got you.

Call of the Stars
Kroq-Gar, 'nuff said. Even the Slanns can have a hard time, trying to remember in details the magnificency of the most famous oldblood of all times. And kudos for writing a so entertaining and original story about such a iconic character.

Story Eight: Call of the Stars: We have had a lot of pieces concerning the transition from Lizardmen to Seraphon. I have no problem with the repetition. The stories continue to pull in multiple directions and they continue to be well told. This was well-polished and well-structured. We had an introduction, conflict, and resolution and the physical conflict mirror the internal conflict perfectly. All with a relatively short word count.

I can’t find much to critique. Well I did, but this one of the first story submissions, so the author got my critiques early and implemented my suggestions, thus making this piece go from excellent to perfect (the original piece was a bit shorter). I probably shouldn’t be tooting my horn that much. The author did the hard work. I guess this didn’t really have vengeance, but it did have hope, in this case the Slann’s hope for a champion.

Story Eight: Ok, that was pretty awesome.

Given all the themes of late of memory constructs being flawed due to the 'memories' of the Slann, this story proudly stands alongside them in the continued painting of this theme. The pacing was delightfully slow and measured to give full effect to the fight within and without. Indeed, the fight itself was very well described and oozed with action.

I kinda liked how flawed the Slann were in remembering the main character and all of the failures before him. The author did a great job at teasing out the identity of the protagonist prior to the final reveal.

Not sure I can find anything to really critique here.

Gribble: Grib, Gribble, Gribb Gribble Gr. Gri, Gribble.

Alone in the Dark Critiques
3. Alone in the Dark

This haunting portrayal of an amnesiac, bloodthirsty kroxigor lost behind enemy lines is a riveting start to a story I hope will be continued after the comp.

Speaking of long, multipart stories, comics were not the only arrows in @spawning of Bob's quiver. He also wrote epic, novel-length tales (again, Lutriapedia is your friend). This was back in the forum's golden days (before my time) when several of the great Lustrians were doing that sort of thing. Plus he would write cool shorter (but still long) concept pieces like this extraordinary foray into another GW game system.... And just a year ago he briefly returned to the forum to gift us with a literal Sherlock Holmes caper!

Story Three, “Alone in the Dark”: Kroxigor-centric stories are not common but I enjoy them when I see them and this piece did a good job. The author included all five senses. Sounds, smells, tastes, textures, as well as sights. Great attention to detail. A unique take on the contest theme elegant in its simplicity.

My misgivings are fairly minor. I would have liked to see some of the paragraphs broken down into smaller paragraphs, especially the action scenes. I would have liked to see more short sentences. I believe a mix of short and long sentences makes for more evocative writing. The story structure was a little fuzzy. It was somewhat hard to parse out what was the beginning, what was the middle and what was the end. I suppose that might have been the point because the Kroxigor protagonist also was sort of fuzzy on what was going on.

With the high death toll and personal loss, this is a contender for the Scalenex Cup.

I award the Scalenex Cup to @Carnikang, honorable mention to @Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl for being the runner up to the Scalenex Cup.

“Alone in the Dark”


Well like most other people lizards, I enjoy it when someone writes a kroxigor centered story, and this one didn’t disappoint as usual. It’s hard to write, but the author pulled it off amazingly. Just like story 2, the imagery nicely encapsulates the kroxigor’s feelings, and in the process, both makes the character riveting to read and the imagery in the story easy to imagine. The struggle for clarity in the madness he found himself in was very compelling.


Although just like story 2, I found the ending a tad bit disappointing. Some more stories that I’ll cover later on have endings that are rather lackluster. Of course that’s just my opinion(s) :sorry:. Anyway, I really liked how the kroxigor’s personal struggle for clarity was steadily built up, but I found the ending too sudden. The conclusion just never espoused as much emotions and feelings as the rest of the story did.

Story 3: As you all probably know by now, I like my grimdark pieces, and what a grimdark piece this one is. Indeed it's so grimdark that you don't even know the protagonist's name. All you do know is that he's a Kroxigor that has woken to find his Skink kin slain, and following a trail of blood he discovers who the culprits were - the Skaven, the most hated enemies of the Lizardmen. He proceeds to avenge his kin by butchering the two Skaven guards posing as sentries for their hidden burrow in the tunnels, but without the direction of his smaller kin he makes no further attacks, instead simply hiding himself away in an alcove and eating one of the Skaven he did kill and waiting to see if any of the memories of events before he had passed out resurface.

I've read Kroxigor stories before, but none of the others have been as dark and as, ultimately, tragic as this one, as it portrays the Kroxigor not as a simple, bumbling, comic-relief character as most of the others have, but as a predatorial servant that, while having at least enough intelligence to innately know when to await new instructions from superiors, lacks the need to follow the Great Plan that the Saurus and Skinks have. If the protagonist was a Saurus, he would most likely have gone on a killing spree after seeing his comrades slain - after killing the Skaven guards he would have butchered his way through the rest of the Skaven camp, but because he's a Kroxigor and he was born without the military drive of the Saurus, he simply kills and eats what he needs to survive before retreating into a hidden spot and waiting for someone to give him directions, almost like a feral, carnivorous robot. This is how I have viewed Kroxigor since reading the army book lore about them, and this story captures that perfectly.

 
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I would suggest to just make a thread for ALL your stories. :)

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