Contest October-November 2018 Short Story contest voting thread

[DeathBringer125]

Nice lol! I’m surprised I got this many votes lol. my biggest problem is that I suck at writing long stories. I tried to write a book but I just seem to not want to write it after awhile. I’m hoping that when I’m older I will be more patient lol. And @spawning of Bob i really loved your Critiques on The Darkest Hour lol I wish I could have done that. However I was motivated into writing another short story called Beware the Shadows. I’m posting the link here.
http://www.lustria-online.com/threads/beware-the-shadows.22246/

 

[Paradoxical Pacifism]

It was VERY tough to figure out how to award the Scalenex Cup this time around.

As Bob pointed out, Savinne is such a survivor she was probably NOT doomed. That takes story ten out of the running.

I liked Story Three for the deaths of named character but I didn't like how everything was split into phases with different characters in each one. Essentially the brutal deaths were just stalls to let the Slann do his thing. This takes story three out of the running.

That leaves stories Two, Eight and Nine. The reason we make the contest anonymous is because of author biases. Now, if I am on the fence between two or more stories, I tend to try to throw my support for the newer writer. I'm sure @Y'ttar Scaletail will write things that make me cry for years to come, but if I don't support the newcomers the forum may lose a source of tears!

I award the Scalenex Cup to @Paradoxical Pacifism. While I do like how @WhenTheSkinksMarch had the Skink accept her death, the reason PP edged you out for this coveted award is there is someone alive left to mourn the dead and said Saurus is also questioning the rightness of his doing his duty. Without being too humble, I like to drizzle that sort of angst all over my stories when I can.

err... ok!

But what does one exactly do with it?

 

[spawning of Bob]

Congratulations to @thedarkfourth (again). I am still unsure why we resurrected you, but hey, mahrlect happens.

I am legit astonished by our new authors and what they bring to the table / sacrificial altar, and wish to emphasize that win lose or draw, EVERYONE is a winner when we have more lizards pumping out more quality fiction - keep it up!

Undying gratitude for Scalenex, whose cold, dead claw prints are all over this comp, and every other. I'm sure that even CSI won't be able to find where all the wayward apostrophes are hidden.

I didn't do formal author guesses because I have been out of the loop for a year or so, but I must say I am not surprised that Scalenex kicked the proverbial huagerdon in Excitement (although non-fatally this time). TDF does sheer random like no one else so he fits with Looking for Limza. I want to complement Fallen Leaf again - it is a beautiful piece, so thank you PP (please make the usual payment with a paper bag full of unmarked likes)

Apologies to Lord Agragax - I ran out of imagination for names and didn't do my homework - I shall read your fluff background as a priority. I am painfully aware that I haven't had the time to keep up with everyone's fluff output and it does grieve me. Maybe 2019 will be less complicated...

Don't forget the art comp and have a safe and happy Christmas season wherever you may choose to plant your Skavenpelt Banner of Poqenichi.

 

[thedarkfourth]

Grovel before your new Master. Great work on a fun comp, folks! Despite Bob's handwringing, this is only my 2nd win after about 3 years of doggedly submitting stories so I'm chuffed. Many thanks to the exactly half of you who liked Looking for Limza. Naturally, I thought this was one of my weaker entries when I finished it - whenever I think I've done a good one it gets no votes.

Limza was written the day after I saw Bad Times at the El Royal, and if you've seen that movie you'll understand why. I'm surprised everyone seemed to think it had a cliffhanger ending. In my mind it was quite clear - they're trapped inside with the killer rats. They're super dead!

Too late to retract your votes!

Let me say that I was so impressed by other entries - everyone was great, but Bob is right to single out new authors, stories by @Paradoxical Pacifism, @King Dust, and @TheCrazyKhorneGuy were all very good, even if the last one was largely copied from a previous thread (a violation of anonymity rules which no one seemed to notice?). But in particular I want to give a Most Impressive Newcomer award to @WhenTheSkinksMarch, a very cool user name that I don't remember seeing before. Where have you been all this time? Seriously, you write like an absolute pro - there are a few minor structural issues with Orders are Orders (she should call the comet before she's already dying, so it's more of a proper self-sacrifice) but the quality of prose is flawless. Consider yourself under strict orders to post moar stories on this subforum.

My apologies for failing to do a proper review this time. In penance, allow me to introduce Lustria Online's first ever META REVIEW.

1. @Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl 's review

Some very nice pieces once again! Here are my analyses:

Story 1: A story about me! Or at least, a story about my Temple City and its inhabitants. I would never have guessed anyone would write about it in a Short Story contest as I thought it would surely be a dead-ringer that I wrote it (and thus the anonymity of the entry would be terminated), but I was wrong. Indeed, I have to say that the author is also wrong, in that they have sadly written about my Temple City incorrectly. Lord Agragax isn’t a Slann - he is a Saurus Oldblood who has become the temporary regent of Lunaxoatl since the death of the last Slann there many years before. If the author had paid attention to my written lore piece about it, they would have realised this. Also (and this is a more minor inaccuracy), is that Sotek is less revered in Lunaxoatl than in other Temple Cities. Chotec is the prime god in Lunaxoatl, and it would be more likely that any divine signs would be attributed to him than Sotek. However, I tolerate this error more because I think it is still likely that Sotek would have a cult in Lunaxoatl and those priests may well have been Sotekists - the main error that marks this story down in my view is the mistake of making Lord Agragax a Slann. I did my very best to emphasise that this wasn’t the case in my lore piece, and evidently the author didn’t do their homework. If we look past this error, the story is, on the other hand, highly compelling, as we follow the Skink priests as they try to uncover the meaning of the Slann’s words, and in doing so scupper a Skaven invasion as the water they pour away causes the Skaven’s tunnel to ‘fall from the sky’ on top of them. It’s just a shame that this story has so little accuracy to the source material the author has tried to base it on - if it had been any other Temple City that actually had a Slann, or even if Lord Agragax the Saurus had made the prediction, this piece would have been rated much higher in my book, especially with all the references to other forumites (@Scalenex’s made-up Lizardman swear word, @Qupakoco’s dice, e.t.c). I don’t like to mark a piece down because of something like this at all, and I apologise profusely to whoever wrote this for the criticism as I can still tell they’ve done their best with the plot, but can you see what I mean about this? It would be similar if, for example, someone wrote a continuation of the Lord of the Rings in the Grey Havens with Frodo as a Dwarf.

My piece on Lunaxoatl can be seen here for reference:
http://www.lustria-online.com/threads/the-ancient-temple-city-of-lunaxoatl.20714/

Story 2: This one for me was a story of two halves - the first half has very little to do with the theme whatsoever, so much so that I was worried that the author had forgotten the theme. The second half, however, instantly dispelled this thought, with lightning bolts and the famous Comet of Cassandora making appearances to destroy Chaos Warrior after Chaos Warrior. The ending is also really Rogue One-ish, with the priest bringing the meteorite down onto the Warriors of Chaos in a last ditch attempt to preserve her temple city. This piece also really emphasises the Slann’s power over the rest of the Lizardmen, in that even when the priest was willing to question the Slann’s judgement (especially when the Slann seems to make a terrible tactical decision in the eyes of both the priest and the reader), she stopped herself out of reverence for her superior. Of course, it may well be that the reason the Slann made this decision was that he predicted the future and he saw that she would summon the comet to destroy the Warriors of Chaos. Certainly a poignant and well-done story about selfless sacrifice in the name of the Old Ones, which of course is what the Lizardmen are all about.

Story 3: This one is certainly the first crossover between fantasy and 40K I’ve seen on this forum, with a little hint of AoS in here too that makes it all the more ambitious, yet I think it certainly pays off. It has notable similarities to Predator in it, with the seemingly-unkillable alien metal monster, who we later find out to be a Necron, having landed in Lustria and then proceeding to cause all sorts of havoc in a nearby Lizardmen city. The first ‘Phase’, as it appears to be called, is dark and highly suspenseful, with what seems to be a simple hunting expedition between two Skink mates ending in their remorseless massacre. The second chapter openly reveals the antagonist and gives us a true picture of his fighting abilities. From the description he is evidently a Lychguard, and as Lychguards still retain the majority of their souls and independent thinking, I believe that the portrayal is accurate. The third and final chapter sees the Lychguard battling a Slann, and I can see why a Slann would be able to defeat a Necron where Saurus couldn’t - it would take more than simple clubs and brute strength to do lasting damage to a Necron’s living metal armour. I especially like the idea the author isn’t hinting at of Celestite weapons being discovered before the AoS timeline as a measure to protect the Lizardmen against a future Necron invasion. Overall quite a dark story with suspense aplenty - this is a very good contender for the top spot in this contest.

Story 4: This story is a really interesting piece. I don’t know much about AoS Seraphon - as most of you know I’m more of a Fyreslayers man - so this piece is a real eye-opener into the life of a Seraphon. I really like the concept of ‘memories of memories’, in the form of a Slann’s memory, i.e. the Skink, remembering his past life in Lustria, and this also makes a really nice connection between the Warhammer Fantasy and AoS timelines. This one is another great interpretation of the theme, as the object that comes from the sky is the protagonist himself, alongside the previous story where it was the antagonist that came from above, all set against the familiar scenario of having to deliver a message. I actually also like the portrayal of the Stormcast not as heroic demigods worshipped by all, far from it - the Sigmarines here are being described as emotionless, and silent, even sinister (certainly they seem to appear like this in the eyes of ordinary people), which adds to the new, imperfect image that they have been given since Second Edition dawned. I wasn’t so confident when I first started reading this story because of my lack of understanding of Seraphon, but afterwards, I have actually become more interested in the idea of using my Lizardmen as Seraphon in AoS. As a result, this story gets a big ‘Well Done’ from me.

Story 5: To be honest, this AoS story was everything the previous one wasn’t - I have to say that I’m not a fan of Blades of Khorne or Stormcast, and this story mostly brought back the heady, rather worrying days when AoS first edition was just announced, with the future of my beloved Dwarfs and Lizardmen looking incredibly bleak. The battle is very well described with plenty of action and drama, and will appeal to fans of either of Khorne or Stormcast (especially with the point of view being put in the bad guys’ point of view to take a different direction), but I started to lose interest when it got to around the middle, and I imagine most others on this forum who don’t play either of these factions will too. The one thing that did bring my attention back to this one, however, was the part where the Deathbringer was brought to the Seraphon city and Lord Kroak revealed his idea of turning the Deathbringer back to Order - will he become a Stormcast or something else entirely new? Are the Seraphon doing this behind Sigmar’s back? I’m interested in this idea and would like to hear quite a bit more about it. Despite the error of describing Kroak as a living Slann not a mummified one, this part of the story really caught my attention - if I may be so bold, I think that this part of the plot should have featured more in the story, indeed I think the story should have been centred around it rather than the Deathbringer’s battle with the Stormcast. The ‘rehabilitation’ of a brutal Deathbringer into something new and benign sounds a great story with relevance to the theme due to the Seraphon coming down, capturing the Deathbringer and abducting him, and has been rather wasted as a tiny end plot here.

Story 6: This piece was a highly entertaining one that parodies all those ‘road trip’ films we know and love, with a band of Skink workers getting more than they bargained for while travelling to watch the Lizardman version of an air show. I especially like the opening sequence with the Skink begging his boss for some days off to see the major event, that’s a classic scene. We also get some nice Lizardman observations on non-Lizardman things like reproduction, I do think, however, that if the author was aiming for a comedic piece, I think that the ending could have done with a little bit of irony or something, such as something like the event being cancelled when they finally reach Tlanxla, to add a final bit of proverbial ‘salt to the wound’, but that’s a small nit-pick. Regardless, the story is still a fun, light-hearted adventure that is certainly worth reading and has the potential to brighten up anyone’s day - no matter how bad your day may be, at least you’re not a Skink getting scorched by a Salamander, trampled by a bull Stegadon or ensnared by a killer plant!

Story 7: I loved this piece, I really did. The idea of portraying Skinks in the style of a modern army is inventive and fun. The story of the deserter Skink ending up in the middle of a bounty hunt is a great idea, and I love the scene where the deserter - and indeed the audience - have to decide between the ‘priest’ and the bounty hunter before the decision is made for him by the evil rat-Cult skinks. What’s not to like? Certainly our little friend is having a dreadful day, and then when things just can’t seem to get any worse... they certainly do - the ending is deliberately vague to get us thinking. Did our hero and anti-hero survive? A terrifically dark story that may even be darker than The Visitor. Excellent stuff!

Story 8: This piece was incredibly short, but in this case, short is beautiful, or at least extremely witty. The story of the Skink priest trying to escape his foreseen death is a truly classic storyline, with him being reluctant to go into battle because of his fear of letting his prophecy come true and the council members carelessly saying “Rubbish, you’ll be fine, now clear off!”. We then witness the battle the priest is so worried about, where he ironically not only outlasts the big veteran Skink chief but also then proceeds to save the day, killing the Vampire and destroying the Undead army. We then celebrate with him as he feels he has cheated Death, only to then witness his prophecy coming true from the most unexpected of sources - a coconut falling onto his bonce and killing him. Indeed this is pretty comical considering his big fears, and also relates to real life, as it is often said that more people are killed by falling coconuts than shark attacks. It also looks as if the author has got excited about the Vampire Coast coming to Total War Warhammer II as the antagonist army clearly shows. Despite the fact that the author has crossed AoS and Warhammer Fantasy (Starpriest vs Lustria?) I’m giving this story the Lord Agragax comedy award for October-November 2018. While the previous winner of the award - Essence of Lustria - won it due to its hilarious slapstick, this piece wins it due to pure satire and wit.

Story 9: I like the idea and the theme around this story - autumn leaves being connected with falling (which of course they do) and also the death of the Saurus’ spawn-brother - but it suffers from a major fault. Unless the Temple City has been built in the Old World, Ghyran or any other place with a temperate climate (which hasn’t been made clear), it is extremely unlikely that you would see Lizardmen in a world with an autumnal feel, at least to the best of my knowledge, as the plants in jungle climates retain their leaves all year round. This inaccuracy brings down the whole piece for me, which otherwise is well-written, poignant and dramatic, reminiscent in a way of Obi-Wan and Anakin duelling on Mustafar in Star Wars Episode III (yes I do have to put in a Star Wars reference somewhere). Another point is that how did the Saurus’ spawn-brother become aligned with Chaos? This was also unclear and I feel should have been elaborated upon in more detail at the beginning - there must have been something that caused him to ‘turn to the Dark Side’, as it were. A truly moving piece about the ties of family, which is made all the more powerful in that the protagonists are the cold-blooded Lizardmen who aren’t supposed to feel such ties, but sadly the inaccuracies and lack of setting description cause this tale to fall short of my expectations.

Story 10: A tense, gripping escape story with the Lizardmen as the antagonists, this piece was quite a chilling one that perfectly captured the Lizardman ways of stealth warfare. However, the ending was a little vague - we don’t know what the shadow is that the protagonist sees when she reaches the sea - is it a sea monster? Is it a ship come to rescue her? We don’t know. Maybe this was the author’s intention, to allow the reader to potentially decide the ending, but I have to say that I would have preferred a concrete ending that properly decides the protagonist’s fate. Nevertheless, this is one of the stronger pieces that ups the ante gradually, not quickly, to really capture the feeling of fear that settlers on the beaches of Lustria would experience when setting out into this terrifying new world.

Story 11: This is the first story I’ve seen that has a first-person narrative, which of course is set in the Siege of Itza at almost the very beginning of Lizardmen lore, and indeed Warhammer Fantasy lore in general. We get to relive the battle through the eyes of Lord Kroak himself - his army’s defence against the Daemons, his apparent death and then his triumphant rebirth as a Relic Priest, leading to the collapse of the Warp rift and the destruction of the Chaos hordes. This story gives a brilliant insight into where the Lizardmen go when they die, and hints at how Kroak was able to return to the Warhammer World and cheat death, and goes into a piece of already-established lore where GW never went, which I think can be as every bit bold and original as devising your own story. In addition, while there is no one individual eponymous thing that came from the sky in particular in this tale, there is the huge assortment of comets, meteors and lightning bolts that Kroak summons that truly makes up for this. I thought I had already got my chosen 3 stories by the time I started reading this, but this powerful story about one of Warhammer Fantasy’s best loved characters has certainly got me thinking again about which 3 I’ll choose.

A fine review that nicely balances the need for detailed feedback with not going overlong on each story - except for the first one, which the author understandably geeked out about in a satisfyingly OTT nerdy fashion. I'm also very pleased to see the return of the Comedy Award, a much needed incentivisation that I would request more reviewers consider employing.

Please use more paragraph breaks, you Luny.

2. @Scalenex 's review

Scalenex's Review

Exciting contest. We got four first time entrants into short story contest. That’s almost a record for the short contest and we only had one first time author pop up in the previous four contests.

Good luck guessing the authors @spawning of Bob


Story Eleven “The Darkest Hour”: Bold choice to use Kroak as a narrator. Solid action, pacing, and plot structure all encapsulated in under 1100 words, very impressive.

Hard to find something to criticize on this. Any non-human protagonist forces an author has to thread the needle between two extremes. If your non-human character is too weird, the reader cannot identify with your protagonist. If your non-human character is too human, they cease to be alien and exotic. I’d say, in this case, Kroak was a little too human for my tastes. Perhaps playing up the body horror of becoming an undead would have been a nice use for 100 extra words.

While the protagonist did die, the ending was too hopeful and uplifting to win the Scalenex Cup.


Story Ten “Starlight and Shadows”: Great evocative imagery and characterization! Excellent pacing and a good suspenseful lead up to the story’s resolution. The author certainly had me rooting for this protagonist more than usual.

Hard to find an issue with this. This one has a fairly tenuous tie-in to the contest theme. It’s pretty rare for me to say I wish the word count was larger, but I think a paragraph describing the circumstances that led Savinne to choosing to desperately stowing away aboard a ship in greater detail.

Lots of men dying helplessly and a vague implied doom for a long suffering protagonist? This is a certainly a contender for the Scalenex Cup.


Story Nine “Fallen Leaf”: This is a solid piece. Like that we have a Saurus protagonist and I like that we have a deep and conflicted Saurus protagonist who still does his duty. I really like that a beautiful falling leaf provided contrast to the horror that preceded it. I completely endorse the literary technique of using a small piece of beauty to accentuate great ugliness.

Hard to find something to criticize on this. I very frequently say “I wish this piece cut a few hundred words.” I wish this one added a hundred words or so. Maybe I’m a sadist but I would have liked to see more gore. This was a gut wrenching battle that scarred the protagonist’s soul. So I’d like more details about the literal wrenching of his spilled guts.

Two characters. One dead, the other in mourning. That’s a pretty strong contender for the Scalenex Cup.


This bugged me a little at first, but I came to the conclusion that these Saurus were out of home territory. This was reinforced by a Saurus having Fallen. I’d imagine a Saurus abroad would be more likely to Fall or a Saurus traitor would flee Lustria and see to put distance between him and his loyalist fellows.


Story Eight “To Escape Fate”: Perhaps I fixate too much on word count. This piece was under 800 words and I wouldn’t ask for more words. If I judged the pieces solely by the economy of words alone, this is clear winner. You got a well-paced and structured story about fearing and in a way accepting the inevitable in the name of duty in a small package.

Hard to find something to criticize on this. Maybe it’s a bit too predictable. Maybe it’s just me but I saw “something random and non-warfare related is going to fall on his head and kill him” ending a mile away.

The protagonist knows his death his coming, tries to avoid it, reluctantly accepts it, then dies when he thinks he is safe. That’s a strong contender for the Scalenex Cup.


Story Seven “Looking for Linza”: This piece was over 2300 but it had good economy of words despite the story length. There were a lot of unique interesting characters and the author managed to cover them all fairly succinctly. The imagery was evocative and the pacing was solid.

This is technically a short story but it has the spirit of a novella. That’s a lot of subplots for a short story. We had a loner bounty hunter, a greedy traitor to his people, a false priest, and Lizardmen who collaborate with Skaven. These character archetypes are well known in literature, but these are things you do not normally see in Lizardmen or Seraphon stories. One of these unique character archetypes would have made an interesting story hook for a short story. Two of these story elements could play off each other for a unique story. Four is kind of a narrative pile up which weakened the effect of this story.

The doom of the characters is only loosely implied and the protagonist isn’t quite suffering nobly or experiencing the nihilistic futility of life’s struggles. I cannot consider this piece a contender for the Scalenex Cup.


Story Six: “Excitement”: Good pacing and a funny ending. Good action with an economy of words. I like that these piece had good action without a villain or enemy. Man versus Nature is possibly my favorite overarching story. That’s why the topic was “Man versus Nature” the first time I chose a topic.

I think this piece could have used a bit more characterization. The twenty-three Skins were pretty much interchangeable. For the most part they reacted to their surroundings rather than acted upon them. Maybe a short scene of their boring working lives beforehand would have helped this piece out a little.

Twenty-three Skinks faced several perils and no one died. The variety of minor suffering they endure is not nearly sufficient to land them consideration for the Scalenex Cup.


Story Five: “A Brutal Life”: I like a good villain. I like a good villain protagonist. The Chaos leader was both scary and strangely relatable. A lot of Seraphon stories involve the Seraphon coming down from the sky at the last minute to save some Free People from annihilation is a very common story premise here at Lustria-Online, but the ending was a great twist on this old story. A Slann working to redeem a Chaos lord and bring him to the light. I did not not see that coming.

This is piece is 2398 words. This piece could definitely use a haircut. It was almost 300 words before the Chaos forces even met their first opposition. That could have easily been cut down by 50-100 words. The core of this story was the Seraphon placing and utilizing a spy to turn a Chaos lord but bulk of the story’s word count was based around the fight with the Stormcast Eternals. That fight scene could have been cut down 100-300 words without weakening the story.

A lot of people died, but the named characters are all still standing. I cannot consider this piece in the running for the Scalenex Cup.


Story Four “A Dispatch in the Night”: This piece has good characterization. A lot of pieces covers the sacrifice made in transitioning from Lizardmen to Seraphon and this piece managed to include that theme without bogging down the action scenes. I also am rather fond of a well-written depiction of humanity through the eyes of a non-human.

Hard to find something to criticize on this. I guess my main misgiving with this piece is while the Skink did criticize humans for forgetting their history, apart from that, he generally felt a bit too human for me. The Skink was sneaking around a castle, using sleeper holds, and delivering a clandestine written message. This seemed kind of weird for one celestial star creature to give a heads up to another celestial star creature in an old school cloak and dagger way. That’s like a god contacting you with a phone call.

No one died in this story at all. This piece wasn’t even trying to win the Scalenex Cup!


Story Three “The Visitor”: Do I want to read a story about space lizards fighting killer robots! Marhlect yeah I want to read a story like that! Good action and set up for this cool premise. Very well-described evocative fight scenes. The character development was good too.

This piece was barely under 2400 words, so I am going to predictably focus on the word count. I would give Phase I the largest haircut. The Skinks main purpose was to have a good natured brotherly argument to humanize them and then die. I would drop 100-200 words describing their violent deaths. Leave it vague and mysterious to build up suspense and tension. Basically anything in this that doesn’t build character should be removed.

Phase II could have used a much smaller haircut. Perha, and Petaq. ps I am showing my bigotry for Temple Guard by not seeing them as individuals. Grakkar, Roq-gar, Ghul-dra kand Pe’taq. I understand that the author wanted to give the characters names to make their deaths that much more tragic, but do we really need four distinct named Temple Guard. One some level Temple Guard are interchangeable creatures whose only purpose is to die in the Slann’s service. I felt a much bigger emotional punch from the two dead Skinks than the four dead Temple Guard. Since the main action is in the third act, you don’t need to go over the fight blow by blow. Just establish that the Temple Guard are 1) not weak and 2) going to die anyway.

Phase III I’d leave as is. I think this piece would have been better with a small Phase I, medium Phase II, and long Phase III. The first phase was solely about setting up horror by killing relatable human characters, it didn’t need much action. The second phase established the badass credentials of the villain, it didn’t need much humanization. The third act was where the meat of the story lie.

Obviously with so many named characters dying in the face of an unstoppable juggernaut, this is a strong contender for the Scalenex Cup.


Story Two “Orders are Orders”: This is a solid piece. Relatively few pieces took the “Came from Above theme” twice. If I judged my favorite based on how well it cleaved to the contest theme alone, this is the clear winner. It covers orders from above and a giant death comet from above. Very good characterization and revamping lead up in action to the literally explosive climax.

Hard to find a beef with this. I guess I can criticize the word count: 2248. This could have used a haircut. I’d probably trim down the boastful stories. Maybe trim down the moments of doubt. The protagonist was leery of fighting with such a small army, before, after, and during the Slann’s briefing.

This is a contender for the Scalenex Cup because everyone died and the protagonist was okay with it even though she had doubts beforehand.


Story One “It Came From Above”: Clever premise, evocative imagery, interesting dialog, and a reasonable word count. I especially liked the well narrated beginning that captured the essence of Skaven life quite well.

The story suffered from a lack of structure. It’s a risk telling a story with time jumps, and in this case I do not believe the risk paid off. A non-linear set up can work beautifully in a longer piece, but it kind of bogs down a short story.

This is not a contender for the Scalenex Cup because I refuse to have a character called Rednaxius not eating bacon. Oh also, the usual reason for not enough gut wrenching death. I guess the Skaven died, but that only is worthy of the Scalenex Cup if we are made to sympathize with the Skaven before they die.






The more special awards we have the better! Per tradition I will not announce the winner of the Scalenex Cup until towards the end of the contest.



Modesty powers: Activate! At this point, "mahrlect" is practically canon at Lustria-Online. While I use that word more than anyone else on Lustria-Online, I know longer use mahrlect more than more than everyone else on Lustria-Online.

I think. For all I know, I am personally responsible for 51% of the uses of the word mahrlect on L-O. Red Devil might be able to analyze the meta data for word use on L-O, but he has better things to do with his time.

Fun fact, if you do a google search on "mahrlect" it leads to a few threads I made. If you do a google image search for "mahrlect", it's mostly Spawning of Bob cartoons and N810 avatars plus a couple memes and other images from L-O so we got some model photos, some Star Wars memes, and some pandas.

I'm probably the only person who uses "mahrlect" in day-to-day life but it was a coping mechanism from a stressful job where traditional human swearing was strictly punished. Now the habit is ingrained and I tend to drop M-bombs when I road rage.


Anyway. Other people should post reviews. We need MOAR.

I would say the thoughtful reviews are probably a good contributor that a lot of our writers keep coming back to the contests over and over again, and they are a good contributor to how our quality gets higher and higher.

Scalenex is a pleasingly predictable feature in the world of Lustria Online Short Story Competition reviews, and that is one of the reasons why we love him. His reviews always use the same structure: positive paragraph followed by negative paragraph - and in this case a third paragraph about the story's status in the Scalenex Cup running. I love that he does a backwards order of stories, as if he's trying to pretend he's hip enough not to be rigidly orthodox and organised. I also love that he titles it "Scalenex's Review" in big bold font. I love the perennial focus on world lengths and haircuts. And I love the random musings on the statistical usage of homebrew curse words at the end. Everything about these reviews make me happy every time I see them.

Long live the Master of Ceremonies! (I know he's not technically "alive", but you get my gist).

3. @Paradoxical Pacifism 's review

my nonsensical thoughts:

Story One: I enjoyed this story. The opening was pretty brutal. I partially agree with Scalenex, that the time jumps didn't really play off well to the structure of the story. I was a bit confused when i first read it, and i think the author could've reinforced the structure of the story by adding tiny bits of more exposition in between the transitions.

Story Two: I enjoyed this story. The characterization started off simple, and gradually improved through out the story. Don't quote me on this, but i think characterization is best achieved in a story when it starts off very simple, yet interesting at the same time. It then builds on overtime in the story whilst not over feeding the reader. I disagree with Scalenex in that i think the partial characterization of the army (the boastful stories and all that) served characterizing the army fairly well. I gave this story my first vote.

Story Three: I enjoyed this story. I agree with Scalenex that mostly everything that doesn't build on the character of the two skink characters should be removed. Other than that, pretty much all of the characters were characterized fairly well. One slight problem with the story, i think, was that the story had a fairly weak link to the theme overall.

Story Four: I loved this story. The main character (some strange lizard made purely of light) was actually pretty relateable. The stare scene with the main character and with one of the storm cast eternal beings was pretty well done. One slight problem with this story, in my opinion, is that there's hardly any conflict. It would've been nice if the main character had to fight one of the patrols, which would in turn, change/challenge his view on humans. Other than that, this story had my second vote.

Story Five: I enjoyed this story. The story itself was very original and unique. The imagery was well done and the main character was well characterized. I think the author should separate the lines of dialogue from the paragraphs and exposition. In doing so, the whole story will become clearer and easier to read. Other than that, the ending to the story was unexpected and very interesting.

Story Six: I enjoyed this story. It was fairly funny and enjoyable to read. I agree with Scalenex in that the 23 Skinks could've been characterized more. Or even better, the 23 Skinks could've been reduced to a much more manager number of characters to individually write (such as 4 or so).

Story Seven: I loved this story. All of the characters were unique and well characterized. I disagree with Scalenex in that the numerous story elements of the piece helped strengthen it rather than weakened it. Then again, the ending was partially disappointing. Because of the enormity of the story elements, i was expecting a more thorough ending that would answer most of my questions to the responsible story elements (such as why is there lizards worshiping rats? What about the fates of the two surviving characters?) I hope the author picks up more on this story, because it's fairly interesting nonetheless and i gave it my third vote anyway.

Story Eight: I loved this story. The application of the theme was unique and pretty fun to read! I think the author could've characterized the main character much more and make the fight much more evocative, though

Story eight also gets the Paradoxical Medal (?) because the main character was smiling even though he died

Story Nine: I enjoyed this story. I liked the brief characterization. (I think it didn't need much characterization, because the idea of story is pretty small, i think). I think the author should've explained why the Saurus transitioned to chaos, though. Other than that, the story was fairly sad and moving, and dark.

Story Ten: I loved this story. The imagery was evocative, and the main character was well characterized and relateable. The brief and very vague ending was much more well done compared to story seven's due to the fact that story ten's ending satisfied the story's own ideas, and at the same time, kept things mysterious, imo. The story's link to the theme, however, is pretty weak.

Story Eleven: I enjoyed this story. Using kroak as a main character was interesting and unique. Like story five, i think the author should separate lines of dialogue from paragraphs and exposition. Other than that, Kroak was fairly well characterized, and the ending was vague, but also well done - makes me actually want to see more from this author!

This is an efficient battery of review bullets, which Bob may have rudely dismissed as anathema, but which I think holds a lot of insight considering their brevity. Each story receives both specific praise about what is working and also comments about elements to improve. There are even a few intriguing teachings about the nature of storytelling in general, such as the nugget that "characterization is best achieved in a story when it starts off very simple".

I like the random switch between "love" and "enjoy" in the first sentence of each review. And I especially like the aptly-named "Paradoxical Medal (?)", awarded without any reasoning or explanation. I think the question mark has to remain an official part of the name.

4. @Aginor 's reviews

Maaan, eleven stories is a lot.
Well, I'll just start and see how many I can read and think about in a day.

Story One:
I like the structure of this one a lot, going from the result to the cause, far in the past, and then working from there toward the present. It is a good example of how a story can be gripping despite its end being known.
The first section is also very graphical. I like the descriptions of the scene, the feelings of the doomed Skaven, and how they describe everything from the sound of the cracking stones to the sensations the Skaven have in their claws. It makes the scene dense and gripping.
I also had a good laugh at some points, the Skinks had some funny moments. Also it seems that quite a few forum member names found their way into it.
The water came from above, so it fits the theme.

Story Two:
This one captures the essence of what I think Lizardmen's/Seraphon's thoughts are about. They have their own thoughts and feelings, but they not only believe, no, they _know_ the Slann are right and will make whatever decision is necessary for the Great Plan, and they obey (in that case even obey heroically). Their sense of loyalty is almost incomprehensible for humans. And the story shows that nicely. To me it felt like it would end like that or similar, but the story still kept the suspension alive on whether the Lizardmen would live or not.
For a moment I thought the story would take "it came from above" more figuratively, referring to the Slann's orders, but in the end it was literally something from above.

Story Three:
This story is reminescent - to me at least - of Predator a bit. The alien (I guess it is a Necron from 40k? Not quite sure but that's what my mind came up with) can hardly be stopped by all the warriors in the city.
The end is ripping off Star Wars, but in a funny way. To me that ocurred when the ribcage was opened revealing the "heart". I liked it, und also how the Slann in the end channels Obi-Wan and uses the uncivilized Fireball.
It also pretty literally fits the theme. At this point I wonder if there will be a story in the competition who doesn't take the theme literally.

Story Four:
This one is based on AoS lore, and I do like the characterization and inner processes of the summoned Skink. It doesn't have a lot of action but it provides a nice perspective on the Stormcast and how some humans and Seraphon see them.
The sadness about the Old World being gone was also conveyed nicely.
The theme was included nicely, with the acrobatic deliverance of the scroll.

Story Five:
Another AoS based story. Nice description of action in this one, with the SCE losing badly to that one great Khorne dude.
But I think I didn't understand the end. I mean: The Seraphon arrived and helped (as was expected), but then... The Slann wants the Khorne dude to fight for him? Does he kill him? I am not sure. But an interesting story nonetheless.
Help came from above so it fits the theme.

Story Six:
This one is really funny! I liked the short chapters and the description of each of the dangers. It really feels like a Skink road trip.
My favourite part was the two Stegadons fighting, that sounds like something awesome to witness (from a distance that is).
The theme "it came from above"... I think it wasn't really included. That's a bit sad, but otherwise I have nothing negative to say about the story, I really liked it.

Story Seven:
That one is a bit like a classical adventure tale. The bounty hunter, the deserter, and the thief meet, and we also meet that strange lizard-rat cult. Nicely written and a thrilling read. I was a bit confised as to why the cultist let them go though. In the end we have the theme, and then... well, it is a nicely done cliffhanger, but frankly I would have loved to continue reading right there. Well done!

Story Eight:
This one is against Vampires. Nice one, unfortunately a bit on the short side for me. The descriptions were so nice, I would have loved to read a bit more in that style.
And it throws us a curveball by having the attack come from above, but that wasn't the end. I laughed.

Story Nine:
This one is quite grimdark. Not my favourite style of story but executed well. The thoughts, basically a philosophical view on the whole situation, mix in nicely with the action, and the language fits well. The theme was taken into account with the classic picture of the falling leaf. An anjoyable story.

Story Ten:
I like how it progresses, it builds up more and more until it culminates in the chaotic situation that leads toward the end, and then it ends with a dark, looming, menacing shadow. This story is written quite well, and it fits the theme because of course the Lizarmen are lurking in the trees and the attack comes from above. As does the shadow in the end.
...I just wished this one was longer. It is very atmospheric.

Story Eleven:
Ok, this is first person perspective. Refreshing! That of a Slann, of Kroak to boot!
I was really excited to read on, and the description of the raw power Kroak is able to bring to the battlefield is well done.
I admit that for me Kroak's thoughts are a bit too...human I guess? And I didn't like the part when his body suddenly transforms into the shape we know, but otherwise it was pretty cool. It reminded me a bit of how Gandalf describes his experience with death in the Lord of the Rings. Definitely a way how this could go, although I always more imagined that Kroak just refused to leave his dead body and had the magic to do so, less of an divine intervention but a rare feat that comes with incredible power.
It happening in the midst of battle with a Greater Demon getting undone makes it pretty epic.
And this last story really uses the metaphoric interpretation of the theme. His power and the ability to come back came from the Old Ones, it came from above.


Wow. I actually managed to read all of them today.
Great work everyone.
I am not sure yet for which piece I will vote though.

Aginor's reviews are fun because they are almost 100% positive. It's just a list of stuff he likes. After reading these reviews I feel like the world is made of rainbows and puppy dogs.

I also appreciate his relentless commitment to judging how closely each story adheres to the theme - a streak of puritanism that feels worthy of Scalenex and somewhat out of place among such joyous praise.

5. @Killer Angel 's "reviews"

Yeah, I'm deply sorry but I won't be able to write a review of all the stories.

I can say that my votes went to:

"It came from above": a nicely structured story, with a sort of backward development, that shows how we came to the conclusion we already know. I've also liked the humor, with so many priests "obsessed" by mystical interpretations, that fail to see the most obvious and mundane one.

"Orders are Orders": we have unquestionable faith and total obedience to the Slann, we have a sense of doom, and epic battle and a great conclusion, with the doomed protagonist that spells the destruction of the enemy, as predicted by the wise Slann. Plus the Comet of Casandora, which is a classic spell. Probably my fav. story.

"The Darkest Hour": i've always liked stories that deal with the background of named characters. And the title is totally cool.

Despite his "dep" sorriness, KA was kind enough to outline his faves, which is always a nice token, and I'm sure it was appreciated by these lucky recipients of his votes. Certainly better than not doing any review at all, not looking at anyone in particular, COUGH COUGH ME.

6. @spawning of Bob 's reviews Comments and Critiques OO LA-DI-DA, REVIEWS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, EH?!

Bobliographical Comments and Critiques

General statements first – this would have to be the comp with the best adherence to theme eva! And it was a lot of fun. The fantastic quality of all entries goes without need for me to add to other’s comments.

Bobpinions about short stories – Scolarz would say that a story of any length has some requirements to qualify as such. One widely touted essential is the three act structure, which I will overly complicate by simplifying my interpretation of this. Act One sets the scene (characters, general situation). Act Two defines the problem and escalates the conflict (the ticking timebomb, the Dark Lord overrunning the last line of defence etc) and Act Three is the resolution (Bob saves the day in an unlikely fashion…again!). Scolarz would consider this to be a prerequisite for a plot. They also want characters, arcs and conflict and probably other stuff.

Pish and Tosh, I say to so called ”scolarz”! Bob says there are other valid story formats which work particularly well at short story length. Here are some categories I just made up several years ago. (Bob also specialises in conceptual time travel. No extra cost).

· The Texture Piece: intricately and hypnotically details a character or setting – in the presence or absence of any discernible plot. Pirates of the Dragon Isles by @Warden springs to mind. Lots of @Slanputin pieces lean this way. In this comp the most beautiful example is Fallen Leaf.

· The Shaggy Dog Story: Elaborate set up (heavy on Act One and Two) with a very short, sharp punchline or reveal. The punchline IS the resolution / ACT Three and it can validly exist outside the Fourth Wall. An esoteric and Bobcentric example is Totally Anonymous Entry. In this comp, Entries 1, 4, 6 and 8 qualify, and 7, Looking for Limza is difficult to categorise as anything else. Importantly – the punchline / reveal closes the story (even if the story could be continued / further resolved, the punchline still satisfies – or appalls if the ending is a terrible dad joke). Execution can be difficult – the place where the plot needs to resolve and the joke pays off can be different, which can destroy the comic timing. Story 1 dodges this by placing the events of the plot resolution at the beginning of the story, leaving the punchline to stand (or fall) by itself.

· The Chapter One: It is all Act One, with a little bit of plot to keep it moving. By the end the reader should be hooked by the situation or the characters and be ready to turn the page for the rest of the novel. About half the critiquers on L-O hate unresolved short stories, but Bob finds them exciting (along with nematomorpha worms, but that is a long story). The potential for an interesting character to go on to a heroic or villainous denouement (a big word for ending) is the exciting bit. Bob has been known to go on and write other authors’ “Chapter Twos” for them. Other Authors have been known to not return Bob’s calls. Examples of Chapter Ones here are stories 3, 5, 10 and 11.

· The Cliff Hanger: Similar to “The Chapter One,” but at the end, the question “what happens next?” is not answered with a whole book. Given we are in the Warhammer universe, typically what happens next is likely to be, “and they had a short and brutal end.” Optimistically, the best they can hope for is, “they survived to live out their allotted time in futility and existential torment.” The answer is never, “and they all lived happily ever after.” Story 10 would be a cliff hanger if it wasn’t for the fact that the character is so well portrayed as a survivor. She’ll get out of this situation for sure. Sea turtles mate. Sea turtles.

· The Road Movie / Quest: The plot moves with intent towards some location or goal. Some stuff might happen, some characters might come along for the ride. The goal may or may not be reached – none of these seem to be essential. The Road Movie is all about the journey, which probably corresponds with being mostly Act Two in its narrative function. Story 6 is obviously this. 4 and 8 have Road Movie Elements.

· And Many, Many More…

Given all the possible variations, measuring all entries by the same yardstick is impossible. But not impossible for the Boblogically gifted. Read on with quivering anticipation…


Story One: It Came from Above
Very thin on characters and development. I can’t remember if any were named. None of them died (except rats, and they only count in the Scalenex cup in the case of a tie). The plot was linear and predictable, but structured in an intriguing manner with reverse dates and a slow reveal of the circumstances of the introduction section. Texture-wise, the author jarringly contrasted a dark descriptive style with a light treatment of the banality of Temple City life. The punchline echoed the subtle but recurring “it came from above” theme, but for me the real joke is that the banality of city life is being supernaturally used by the Old Ones to further the Great Plan – the brutal ends being achieved by even the most mundane and unlikely means.


Spoiler: Story Two: Orders are Orders
This was all about character: Krikt wrestling with obedience and doubt, and ultimately dying with a smile and a song in her heart with her faith vindicated. Light on Plot as such, but what was there was structured very poetically with regular references to the absolute will of the slann. As for “what next?”, despite the open ending, I am not expecting a Chapter 2 this side of the End Times


Spoiler: Story Three: The Visitor
Oh my. Characters established just to die messily. Cup contender here, Scalenex! Otherwise, it does seem a bit wasteful. The mysterious enemy, sadly gets no definition or development, although I might have understood its murderous motivations if I knew my Death Robots From SPACE! Lore. The plot was linear and clear. The texture was supplied in the interrelationships of the (doomed) characters and in the exciting and detailed fights (I don’t particularly like fights BTW). Dividing the structure into 3 phases covered jumping between distinct points of view adequately and allowed for a staged reveal of the thing. I started hoping it was a Predator. In the end, I wanted it to be another cyborg Kaleesh, like General Grievous. I’m informed it was a Necron L This is a Chapter 1 that could have a novel behind it, but I don't know enough Necron lore to see what LM and Necrons could have to strive over. Educate me!


Spoiler: Story Four: A Dispatch in the Night
A lovely exploration of character and the “memory of a memory” problem as @Bowser would see it. The light touch of the slann was beautifully inserted, reflecting that the slann retrieved a favourite servant for that servant’s individual virtues and that the slann took joy from giving Boqhan “life” again. The plot was the simplest of road trip / quests and barely intruded on the mostly smooth textural flow between location, memory and physical action. The one lumpy bit was the last part of the journey, after the eavesdropped conversation – lots of extra sneaking was truncated into 2 summary sentences. If that section was expanded it wouldn’t have added to the key concepts of the story and may have slowed the story down too much, but compressed it was a bit of a jolting change of pace and style. Moving the Hooman’s conversation to just before the delivery scene would have fixed it. The “punchline” was the Starmaster’s reflection. The final quote “The old world may be gone, but we cannot afford to forget.” Is a powerful and poignant statement for Age of Sigmar deniers like myself. No Chapter 2 required.


Spoiler: Story Five: A Brutal Life
This is the One-iest Chapter One EVA! Characterisation was basic and brutal – I’m badass and I do good speeches. Development was zero. Except then the PoV changed and the author explored character / courage / fallibility / propaganda among the invincible and inscrutable Sigmarines – just so they could provide a historical and bloody double underline to Orayszheld’s badassery. (The Sigmarines story might have been a better one that Orayzheld's) The overall plot, as such, was just a vehicle for the ending twist, the setting could have been anywhere with an absorbent floor and the structure fell under the slashing Skullgouger – what do you mean only 1 paragraph of fighting to the last man with Seraphon? WTM? Good fights tho! If this doesn’t have a Chapter 2 it would be a shame. There is so much to explore about the Suicide Squad the Starmasters seem to be assembling. How could he be enslaved? Who would be the other experimental allies? What unlikely allegiances could be forged or broken? Who will be betrayed? When and how will he revolt? Lots of material here!


Spoiler: Story Six: Excitement
Road Movie Alert! The characters are a likable and generic set of stereotypes (not a bad thing) and one, at least, actually has some development which is well executed by Mu-Lat’s sarcastic punchline. Well done, author. The plot and structure are linear in time and geography. Each section is of equal “weight.” Character and environment texture were efficiently and entertainingly supplied by the heavy use of dialogue (which is my second default style). There was an opportunity to differentiate characters in a smaller ensemble cast by giving them different stereotypes (the optimist, the whiner, the coward, the religious fanatic, the love interest). Killing a few off would have probably killed the sweet innocence of the story. I understand why they arrived for the rehearsal – it was to set up the punch line with the other wide-eyed skink. No Chapter 2 required – this is a complete story.


Spoiler: Story Seven: Looking for Limza
What a lot of fun this was. Characters built with mysteries, lies, half-truths, reveals, and more mysteries. I know the characters weren’t really clarified, but I care enough to want to know what is below the next layer of intrigue. I have no idea if there was a plot. The structure is rollercoaster without the slow clicking-ratchet build of tension at the beginning. More of a rocket-powered-spooky-confusion-coaster. I would pay 6 bucks for that ride. And waste 11 bucks on the hotdog and thick shake I consumed a few minutes earlier. The punchline is a groan inducing destruction of the fourth wall. Did I really just navigate this maze of intrigue to discover it was an elaborate set up to regurgitate the theme? The author is a genius. The cool thing is that the story and characters could easily continue with new shaky alliances, betrayals, maybe a few more McGuffins, another secret society, a lucky escape etc etc. Please write MOAR!


Spoiler: Story Eight: To Escape Fate
Yup, a full on Shaggy Dog Story, and the more elaborate the set up the better the pay off with the very snappy punchline. The contrast of long descriptive paragraphs with the one liner at the end makes it all the sweeter. The characters motivations and duties were clear. The plot had balanced, identifiable Act One and Two and a false resolution which helps to open the reader to the sucker punch. Texture and theme-wise this was similar to Orders are Orders as another exploration of obedience in the face of doubt and self-interest with a side helping of the immutability of fate and the problem with foreknowledge. The battle was incredibly efficiently done as a backdrop to the internal struggles – 2 paragraphs to sum up a graphic melee AND put both main characters in the thick of the action making their personal struggles and heroism real to us. How much better when One-Eye is abruptly slaughtered. Better for Scalenex, anyway. Plus, no need for a messy, ambiguous ending or a disappointing second chapter here. No wonder our local Lord of Death prefers not to carry the baggage of main characters all the way to the end of his slaughter-porn.


Spoiler: Story Nine: Fallen Leaf
I voted before critiquing, and boy, do I regret not having one more vote to give to this atmospheric gem. This was a texture piece with a focus on the character balanced with a dreamy surreal fight sequence. From first reading I pictured the fight as just like the ones in Hero (Jet Li, Zhang Yimou) – watch it, it is beautiful and tragic. Despite a static plot, the saurus had a massive, yet unresolved character change. This lack of resolution is what leaves me begging for chapters 2 through to 18 to explore how he/she responds to his superiors / his cohort / his next mission / his next enemy / the temptation fall to chaos or despair. The structure was brilliantly executed – blurs of action balanced in word count with quiet introspection, each thought leading logically to the next, the autumnal backdrop providing the saurus with clarity at the last moment. It is crazy that this one has so few votes. It gets Bob’s Sheer Art Award.


Spoiler: Story Ten: Starlight and Shadows
Has a cliff hanger ending but for me this is a Chapter One just because of the resilience of the really well portrayed Sabine. And speaking of efficient character definition, the paragraph about mercenaries / treasure hunters / sailors told us practically everything we needed to know about the girl and her companions in 3 sentences. Wow. The plot was well structured with one of those slow rises in tension, leading to a climax which was a blur of seen and unseen horrors and blind terror. I realise that I’ve got this far into my CritiBobs without any specific complaints, so don’t take this too hard, Dear Lizard, but… Was the Boss’s knife the only option for cutting her bonds? Nope, any rock will do. (I would have used a burning stick from the fire while she was unattended – opportunity + need = ouchy last resort). I would like to see this character again, not even necessarily in a sequential next chapter. Her back-story or how she became Queen of the Amaxons would be equally compelling, just as long as there is a mighty reptilian warrior with an eggshell helmet included in some heroic and gosh-darn good looking role.


Spoiler: Story Eleven: The Darkest Hour
A Chapter One with a Chapter Two that we all know and love – that makes this an Origin Story, I suppose. As such it is about a character journey and this one answers the “how”s and “why”s. Kroak’s incredible power / arcane knowledge is emphasized by the fact that he brought himself back – and although this was possible, he was the only one whose sense of duty compelled him to. All of the other fallen frogs would have been laughing it up in Slanhalla by this time. The plot was well served by starting in the midst of battle and then making things get worse and worse. What could possibly be worse than approximately six dragons? No, not exactly six, nor indeed seven dragons …it’s Dreadblade the Uber High Exalted Super Daemon! Just in terms of sheer mass difference, you can’t see much chance of Kroak hopping away from this encounter. I felt this story was really linear and clear, to the extent that nothing really felt surprising – which is funny because the obvious tension of the scenario didn’t really translate to tension in me. Perhaps identifying Kroak by name in the first paragraph was a mistake. I want to read more from this author but writing something less constrained by the shackles of history or with a bit deeper insight into the protagonist’s heart.

Overall - what a great comp! Kudos to everyone and probably @Scalenex for the complete absence of proof reading type errors. Its not that they bother me when they are present but there absense demonstrates our collective evolution as authors of cold blooded fiction.

Don't miss the seasonal art comp!!!!

Bob has given so much to this forum over the years - wisdom, jokes, love, mean negs that only he can get away with - that I'm always touched to see his continued interest in proof reading and type errors. He looms so large as a grandfather of us all, it's like God coming down to earth and getting caught up in the minutiae of tabletop wargaming rules. Especially when it comes at the end of a review post as spectacular as this one.

Not content to merely look at the 11 stories in the competition, Bob tackles the immense and fundamental question of what exactly should a short story be, after all?

Erecting the straw lizard of "Scholarz", who "want characters, arcs and conflict and probably other stuff", (is it arrogant to think he's talking to me?) Bob declares Pish and Tosh. Instead, he offers a series of intriguing models for new kinds of stories that don't adhere to traditional forms of structure with conflicts that are resolved. It's a fascinating approach. I for one have never been an admirer of three act structure, which I think is an overly simplistic and unhelpful tool, and I definitely think it's worth considering alternative approaches, especially in the adaptable short story genre.

However, I must also play the predictable part of contrarian Scholar (by which I mean contrary to Bob's contrarianism). Combatting three act structure by employing forms like road movies and shaggy dog stories doesn't mean you have to give up on "characters, arcs and conflict and probably other stuff".

I've complained in the past about stories that seem to be all set-up, positioning the hero for a grand adventure that we don't get to see for reasons of word limits. Bob is very much correct to point out that such a story can be exciting in its very lack of resolution and in the sense of potential it creates, even as we are denied the catharsis of a normal ending. But just because your story is a "Chapter One", doesn't mean it doesn't need conflict or development. It doesn't take a grand arc for a character to change or adapt. A good story should always aim for a sense of forward movement, things changing, characters realising new things about themselves. You can do this in an infinite array of formats; it just so happens that a traditional ending with a resolution is the most common and widely understood, and typically the easiest for writers to grasp. While it's more than possible to write a good story without a regular ending, I think it's hard to do well, because an ending encourages authors to think in terms of development and progression, without which a story can so easily stagnate into a mess of pointlessness. So I'd encourage those who aren't very confident in their skillz (such as myself) to try and master the basics of a regular story ending before attempting more difficult non-resolved stories.

Anyway, the reviews here were wonderfully impish and insightful. O Bob! What sweet joy and madness-inducing pleasure it is to have you back!

7. @DeathBringer125 's ...uh, review? Fangasm?

I’m surprised that Orders are Orders hasn’t gotten more votes. It’s my favorite (it’s not mine lol, I wish I had made it). That story captures Lizardmen/Seraphon culture perfectly. It shows absolute obedience to Slann, it shows that the lizardmen aren’t savage primal beasts (they fight like it but the are civilized, they have a culture, society, leadership.). It shows that just because they look like savages hat they aren’t. This piece shows the advanced society they possess. This is illustrated in the line about Saurus putting down their tools and skinks leaving craft houses. Despite being a tiny section in the story, it shows how lizardmen society would work. Saurus would do work requiring some manual labor but also some smarts. Skinks do more intelligent work. (Though not mentioned) kroxigors do heavy lifting and manual labor. The whole society works as a group and then can just as easily take up arms to fight. In addition, it illustrates how lizardmen have complete obedience to the Slann “for the will of the Slann is absolute” this quote is perfect for lizardmen. Lol can you tell I like this story?

I want moar of this kind of passion! We should all rave about our heroes like this!

Final comments

Good reviewing, everyone! Hope to see more reviews next time - as the great leader Scalenex says, it's a good way to generate enthusiasm and encourage future participation.

Happy November everyone!

 

[Y'ttar Scaletail]

Question-thing: Is this the first time i've actually killed my protagonist?

I think I need to check that one, but I pretty much never kill off my characters. So it was a change of pace to murder this one with a coconut.

Anyway, congrats to my fellow writer-meat! A great many superb story-things!

 

[Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl]

Grovel before your new Master. Great work on a fun comp, folks! Despite Bob's handwringing, this is only my 2nd win after about 3 years of doggedly submitting stories so I'm chuffed. Many thanks to the exactly half of you who liked Looking for Limza. Naturally, I thought this was one of my weaker entries when I finished it - whenever I think I've done a good one it gets no votes.

You’re welcome - glad to know that I’ve helped to give someone who hasn’t won for a long time a win.

Limza was written the day after I saw Bad Times at the El Royal, and if you've seen that movie you'll understand why. I'm surprised everyone seemed to think it had a cliffhanger ending. In my mind it was quite clear - they're trapped inside with the killer rats. They're super dead!

That’s a shame - I thought they could have possibly fought their way out or something, but at the same time it makes the story more Rogue One-ish, so I’m happy with that.

My apologies for failing to do a proper review this time. In penance, allow me to introduce Lustria Online's first ever META REVIEW.

1. @Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl 's review



A fine review that nicely balances the need for detailed feedback with not going overlong on each story - except for the first one, which the author understandably geeked out about in a satisfyingly OTT nerdy fashion.

I’m not sure whether to take that last bit as a compliment, but I will as it’s a friendly community - I know you mean well

I'm also very pleased to see the return of the Comedy Award, a much needed incentivisation that I would request more reviewers consider employing.

Glad you like it - I’m considering making a special thread so that everyone can access any of the Lord Agragax Comedy Award winning stories at a pinch.

Please use more paragraph breaks, you Luny.

I just think it looks unstructured and chaotic if I break the paragraph for each article down to smaller ones, but I’ll try to remember this for next time.

 

[TheCrazyKhorneGuy]

is this what you mean by passion




KHORNE!! KHORNE!! KHORNE!! KHORNE!! KHORNE!! KHORNE!!





BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!
AND SKULLS FOR HIS THRONE!!!

 

[Scolenex]

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!
AND SKULLS FOR HIS THRONE!!!

Indeed. Now since your piece was clearly a chapter one to a much longer complex saga with an amazing Slann-picked suicide squad, you have more writing to do...

I love that he does a backwards order of stories

Because he is a wild maverick who plays by his own rules!

Long live the Master of Ceremonies! (I know he's not technically "alive", but you get my gist).

He lives in our hearts...

 

[Killer Angel]

5. @Killer Angel 's "reviews"


Despite his "dep" sorriness, KA was kind enough to outline his faves, which is always a nice token, and I'm sure it was appreciated by these lucky recipients of his votes. Certainly better than not doing any review at all, not looking at anyone in particular, COUGH COUGH ME.

Surely, no reviews at all would have make me deeply sorry, but I did a minimum, so the sorriness went less in depth.

 

[Aginor]

4. @Aginor 's reviews

Aginor's reviews are fun because they are almost 100% positive. It's just a list of stuff he likes. After reading these reviews I feel like the world is made of rainbows and puppy dogs.

I also appreciate his relentless commitment to judging how closely each story adheres to the theme - a streak of puritanism that feels worthy of Scalenex and somewhat out of place among such joyous praise.

Hahaha, yeah you got a point there.
Most of the time I think that pointing out the positive things is more helpful than the other way round.
I am a huge care bear.
That last bit is... my rules-lawyery showing through I guess. Those contests don't have many rules, so I look whether Lizardmen play a role and whether they fit the theme. The rest is (to me at least, I am not an expert for writing) often a matter of taste.

 

[WhenTheSkinksMarch]

Ok, my quick try at reviewing some of this great assortment of works.

11: The Darkest Hour

A solid story that retells the siege of Izta and the final hours of the first Chaos invasion, lots of strong action that really exaggerates Kroak's powers. The spells are seemingly effortless for him to harness and he destroys legions of daemons as they advance on his city, truly conveying his immense power even before his death. One thing I did not like about the story was the instant transformation into a mummified relic-priest, I feel it would have been impressive and terrifying to have the disembodied spirit re-emerge blasting the Deliverance of Izta. But all in all, a strong story that conveys the amazing power demonstrated at this great battle that defined the Lizardmen for eons to follow.

10: Starlight and Shadows

A great tale of skilled predators removing unwanted intruders one by one, with our protagonist, the enslaved camp hand Savinne seemingly the only one able to place the threat. This story does a great job building an atmosphere of danger and helplessness on the part of our main character. A bit that got me was that is just too short, I want to know what happens at the end, it seems a little *too* ambiguous, was it a swooping Terradon? A skink making a leap for their prey? A gripping tale that just ends too quick.

9: Fallen Leaf

Ok I have to admit with this one, I'm a sucker for a good philosophical duel, where ideals mean as much as the weapons. This story really reminds me of the classic image of samurai dueling, 2 individuals alone, each fighting as much with their hearts as their swords. A great inner monologue follows each blow describing the mental battle that our protagonist is fighting in himself, resisting the corruption. A strong contender with a great theme.

8: To Escape Fate:

This story takes a more comedic tone, with the story and all the efforts of our protagonist Xarn all leading into that final punchline. I enjoyed the buildup of the story simple in essence but well executed, the priest attempting to shirk his duty and being reprimanded by the council feels very natural in Lizardman culture. The battle is well narrated, light on details but painting a full picture of the fight. Very entertaining with that final line lending a good chuckle.

7: Looking for Lizma

Bounty hunters, elusive thieves and a twisted cult, this story has it all! Telling of Paso's encounter with 2 seemingly friendly figures on scouting missions to the same ruins and their discoveries within, this story held me captive with the subtle clues it left to each character's intentions in the early story and the tension of the "Lost Clan" slowly rising around them. The drama comes to a head as each player drops their guises and make a final rush for their own goals, with a great ending that almost certainly spells doom for the unlucky ones left. One thing that felt a bit off was the final line, it's probably just me but I feel like it was a little too cheesy. Still, a minor complaint that can't truly taint the rest of the great tale.

6: Excitement

Hilarity ensues as a band of skinks take their holidays to make their way to Tlanxla for the Festival of Tlanxla in a road trip almost reminiscent of National Lampoon's Vacation: Lustria edition. Taking place over a 12 day march to the next Temple City we see our small band of protagonists witness the dangerous side of Lustria's wildlife first hand, from the flaming breath of a hungry salamander to the mating duels of stegadon bulls, they manage to find every dangerous beastie and plant on their journey. Great timing, hilarious dialogue and some generally likable characters to follow make this such an engaging read.

5: A Brutal Life

A brutal siege is fought over a final bastion of Order in a blood stained land, as hordes of Khorne's followers fight against a detachment of Sigmars golden boys, with a shifting perspective, our story follows the Exalted Deathbringer, Orayszheld and his bloody fight against an old enemy in the ranks of the Stormcast Eternals. Strong action and tension drive the fight scenes and kept me interested in seeing how this 3v1 battle would turn out. Being neither a Khorne or SCE player probably helped as I had no frame of mind for how powerful each individual should be. As has been said before, the ending is a bit jarring, why do the Seraphon want these humans? What is the plan for these reclamation projects? But yeah, good action, nice character interactions, but the ending does let it down a bit for me.

4: A Dispatch in the Night

A skink is reborn again for a single night, with a single purpose, to send a grave warning to the defenders of a lone settlement. Following our lone messenger Boqhan we explore the minds of the lizards born from starlight, the Seraphon, and their quasi-lives. The constant memories of the Old World and everything that was lost helps define the daemonic rage and power the Seraphon fight with, they've already lost one world, they don't want to lose another. Great emotional points from our lead mixed with engaging stealth sections make this a story to definitely check out.

3: The Visitor

A lost Necron crashes deep in Lustrian jungle and tries to find someone in charge. Divided into 3 "Phases" each detailing this creature's advance on the city we follow the city's occupants and their encounters with the odd metallic creature, mostly ending in their demise with their weapons being ineffective against the invader. The climax is the meeting between the Necron and the city's Slann, an impressive slinging of magic from the Slann and some quick thinking leaves the invader dead and theLizardmen with some new "celestite" weapons to work on. Great atmosphere builds over the story with pacing almost building like a classic horror movie, I truly did enjoy this one as something different.

2: Orders are orders

Ok so I started writing this review set like a week and a half ago, but I write excessively slow so I may as well show my hand, yeah, dis was me. I was pretty happy with how it turned out, I originally made it to tell a story of absolute obedience and how it can lead to some bleak outcomes and try and draw a comparison with the joys of free will. But yeah I can never really stick to a plan, so I ended up with a character piece about a skink priest's devotion and unyielding resolve. I agree that I could have shortened it in places and trimmed some of the parts that prattle on, but overall I'm pretty happy with how the narrative ended out, as I mostly write as it goes with nary a plan in me head. A huge thanks to everyone who reviewed and praised the story, this was my first time since high school that I actually sat down and wrote something, so I'm really glad you all liked it.

1: It came from above

Ok so I really enjoyed this one, starting with the death of a bunch of filthy rat-spawn we follow the many follies and mishaps that lead up to the drowning of the ratty cohort. I've seen a lot of talk about how the out of place timeline is kind of jarring, which is certainly true at some points I did get a little confused on my initial reads. But after going over it again I do find it easier to follow, which helps me enjoy all the little character moments a lot more. The cast of skinks and their own individual interpretations of a single word lead to some very entertaining moments, I especially loved the Kroxigor at the end, who got it right by complete accident. Lighthearted and a pleasant read, really making me wish I had another vote for this one.

 

[WhenTheSkinksMarch]

And also, a massive congrats to all the winners!

 

[Infinity Turtle]

A big conglartualtions to all entrants! I have been victim subject to many conversations in which all entries were highly praised. Very impressive content from both new and old writers alike.

However...

@spawning of Bob great critiques! You are down to the point lol no sugar coating. I was quite happy to hear your critiques of my story (you will find out which one later hehehe). And I definitely will think through what you said. Ty!

I’m always thoroughly disturbed and concerned when people start treating Bob like a god...

@spawning of Bob is a legend. Nice job on the critiques!

There goes another... blinded and lost to the dark side...






They might not be able to see it, but I’m on to you, @spawning of Bob ...

 

[spawning of Bob]

He he he. Nothing to see here.

(Shun the heretic! Shun the heretic!)

 

[Killer Angel]

He he he. Nothing to see here.

(Shun the heretic! Shun the heretic!)

 

[DeathBringer125]

HERESY!!!! DIE HERETIC!!!! BURN IN FIRE! (In a nice way though)

 

[Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl]

He he he. Nothing to see here.

(Shun the heretic! Shun the heretic!)

 

[spawning of Bob]

Whoa. That escalated quickly.

 

[Killer Angel]

Whoa. That escalated quickly.

Are you surprised?
To call "heresy" in a warhammer forum is almost like to shout "fire" in a crowded theatre.
You won't have panic, but pretty sure half of the people will react automatically.

 

[DeathBringer125]

Hey @spawning of Bob did you see the message I sent you?