By the twitching of my claws, something critiquey this way draws. Cackle cackle.
16 stories and not a sincere bad word can be said about any. The standard and volume of writing on L-O grows exponentially. If 2015-2016 was the golden age, we have just gone double platinum. May it never end!
I will edit and add all of my story critiques to this post over the next aeon. Don't forget phase 3 everyone - where the revealed authors scoff t our weak interpretations and tell the hapless critics what they REALLY meant to convey!
General Comments in random order:
Endings – a few reviewers have gone down the “but I wish I knew what happened next – it should go longer / have a sequel" path. Guess what. With a theme of
hope, those kind of not quite question mark endings should be expected and enjoyed – because hope isn’t certainty, and filling in the blanks actually kills the theme. Plus, that’s my favourite ending type – where I get to apply my imagination to the question of what happens next.
Genderings – I personally embrace female lizards. On special occasions I would embrace male ones, too, but it still seems a bit awkward. The two stories that sold me on the in-universe AND literary validity of female pronouns and all the baggage and stereotypes that go with were
Food for Thought and
The Mascot both by TDF, and both would be completely different with males.. Having said that, I don’t think all of the examples in this comp were plot essential, but even if they weren’t great, they didn’t grate, so to speak. And whenever
@discomute gets anywhere near his feminine side, he goes out and murders some fish to restore the balance. Ignore him, my sisters.
Parallelosaurolophus – as Bowser noted, parallels were rife. Not surprising given that everyone had the same subject material to work with. I think Chaos types shaded skaven as most frequent enemies. This gives me hope that our embarrassing little infestation may be finally coming to an end. Probably they’ve eaten on the cheese and will move on. We had cursed / magic weapons, plenty o’ pox, romance, necromance – what else does one need?
Extreme widescreen descriptovision – The visuals were, without exception, extremely well done. I never had to stop to try to picture a confusing scene. The “lavish description” ones were lavish without drowning the plot, the “enough detail to fire the mind’s eye” ones gave enough to run with and the dreamy poetic ones were a guilty pleasure to read. Bravo, one and all.
Battle-o-rama – I think there was a greater density of battles and duels in this comp, and these are usually the story component I am least interested in. I repent, having seen the error of my ways. Like the scenery, EVERY fight depicted enhanced rather than interrupted. They all had a followable physical layout (which is difficult), they had important little details that rang true and they all enhanced the meaning of the characters’ struggles (which is astounding). I would pick a fight with any of you, any day of the week and risk a beat down just to see and hear a reversed obsidian spear whirl in a short arc which intersects with bone with a satisfying crunch.
The Easter Egg Challenge -
an Easter Egg only Bob or Slanputin can spot.
Oh Dear. I think it is possible for me to know what I know, at least some of the time. Knowing what most everyone else
doesn’t know might be beyond me. I have theories......
My suggestion was to burn them all down (
Harvest)- Yes, the defenceless village protected by Seraphon Schtick, thanks for pointing it out, Warden. We really should find something strategic t protect in AoS. Realmgates maybe? Some arcane mineral? A near extinct colony of tasty grubs?
Ripe for Plunder – The author of Hammer of the Lost had Kai-Otl dripping celestial ichor. Actual blood you can feel and lose is so much grittier than leaking starlight, or glitter or whatever. Next time a I do a Seraphon story I will try to develop how real their bodies and their wounds are – just to give a bit of plot advancing jeopardy back to the poor, sterile things.
individual Critiques - these stories can't be separated by quality. So you won't hear a lot of complaints from me. I will include nitpick corrections purely to demonstrate my superior proof reading. I will gush about what I loved, and then I will amaze you with my ignorance about the meaning of the stories and possibly the odd "but wouldn't it be cool if the author went down this alternate path" The latter is longhand for, gee I wish I had had this idea independently.
Had had
Far away a damp, blubbery eye twitches. A cultured voice intones, "its just not cricket...."
Note - I planned a structure to my critiqques, but then I just wrote down every random thought I had. You have been warned....
16 Hope for Sun
First of all – AoS village saving? Sigh. But hey, you’ve got to have something to lose to have a reason to struggle, so this cliché serves the purpose. In the long run, though, undefended village stories which are about the village can be great (
Midnight Chase by
@Infinity Turtle , The Ghosts We Have by
@Oldblood Itzahuan ) Ones where the village is the backdrop I think dilutes the urgency of the mission. Humans breed, right? We'll come back in a generation and it will all be hunky dory again.
The battle – Super clear to follow and appreciate! The author described the field!!! Tactical context to the action was supplied!!! Description of real skirmish tactics, fighting withdrawal and other manoevres really underscored the author’s declaration abut the innate tactical nous of the Seraphon.
The other guy... Hmm. Xilour the 2nd Scar vet had no story purpose other than to die (which she did awesomely), and she got a name and a whole point of view paragraph to break up the main story in a very bumpy way. The plot didn’t need her BUT the fascinating description of her return to Azyr to be spawned anew was one of my favourite explanations of the Seraphon rebirth process ever. So she can die anytime she likes from MY PoV.
Theme – The hope here was kindled, then snatched away then unexpectedly renewed. Can’t ask for more than that.
And then... – This was one of two that had me puzzled as to the meaning of the end. The last line, -“And the sun shone on his / her armour” was disjointed for me. Bar the title, and the reference to oncoming dawn the sun wasn’t a thematic feature of the story, so it didn’t tie things up for me. Confused
Author clues – no idea.
Nitpick. - Paragraph 6 - “Movements”, paragraph 7 “descent”, 3rd last para “Slaanesh”, last para “went”
15 Vengeance’s Fire
This author leapt into the vacuum created by
@Lady Tor'ti Llaz's writers block only to find he/she was part of a movement of two (a twovement?)
The battle – was completely ignored. Only the aftermath matters. My kind of author (battles are
so much effort.)
The weapon – is it daemon possessed? The fact that
@Lady Tor'ti Llaz 's own canon shows that Lustria’s wise can’t identify the threat it poses. That thing is nasty, and now we
think we know where it comes from. I’m much more interested in the motivations of the sword than the human. For a start. It wants a name – every owner gives it one. (rageflame, vengeances’ fire, fool-burner)
Blessings - I echo
@Warden's view about the quote about the betrayal of the norscan’s revenge not drawing khorne's blessing. I wonder if the sword was receiving the blessings instead of the user. Certainly when the owner is of no more use, the owner gets discarded.
2 part story, two points of view – good word count balance - well done you. Also it’s clear who is thinking what. The well positioned double-speak all sounds very faithful to the real skaven conventions. Unlike the rotten conniving filthy skaven themselves.
Politics – the plague rat / banishment thought bubble gives context to Thanquol’s later sell out of Pestilens, but gives no detail. What was he doing with them??? And what’s with a chaos goon hanging with his father, or caring how anyone else dies. That seems a bit
too human.
Theme – no hope here.
@Slanputin and
@discomute will be so pleased.
Author clues – pretty sure it wasn’t
@Lady Tor'ti Llaz (not enough detail). Otherwise, no idea.
Nitpicks – none. Do I detect a bit of Scalenex elocution? (Scalenectrocution?) Well done anyway.
14 Duty and Hatred: 3000, Part 2
Presumably the sequel to
Duty and Hatred 1999
Right up front, the attention to detail and description is exquisite. So rich and clear.
The first section gives us a taste of a forbidden ritual and then it goes away. Never to be explained. Aargh! Please do a prequel or sequel or phase 3 or whatever so I can understand.
Hooray! Pestigors! So nice to have a different enemy, and they are so lavishly revolting. A real delight. And exciting uses for corrupted lizardmen. So many fresh ideas so prettily done.
Omyitl, the crocodile saurus was an enigma. An awesome enigma. Why was he alone? Why did he have an assassin’s weapon? (I see it as a short sword stabby thing. He could have had paired weapons and it would have felt right.)
The battle was vividly portrayed and super clear. The details of the Kroxigors taking orders, “saving the skinks, the grave, mud packs to prevent bloodspoor – all immediately visualisable. This story fits my category of the author being a master of the medium – he portayed precisely what he meant to and left nothing to chance.
So what does it all mean? “ the last few blocks would never be carved” (with guardian names)? I say Omyitl was about to infect the pool, but does he die? Is the pool saved (for now)? Who ran off with the themes? I shall be confused forever.
Author Clues- I say Warden is likely, based on the cliffside pool matching his geography. Against this possibility is the lack of sea monsters and floating temples.
13 His Own Hands
This one is a great lesson in instantly defining relateable characters. In about three sentences we have a self centred, sarcastic, cynical young man staring insolently at us. No way I’m saving
that village.
There are a few items that just stick out to me. Not in a bad way, but I noticed them more than was helpful to full immersion. Square toast??? People who aren’t
@Scalenex saying “skite”??? Listing the threats from the forces of Chaos and Death without mentioning Destruction ??? (Maybe the jolly wee green forest folk are their friends. Along with their giant spiders).
And what about the mysterious Ritter? His name randomly appeared about halfway through and then he fails the famous Houdini blanket escape near the end. I wonder if he is somehow connected to Dagmar’s annoying baby brother...
OK no more nitpick, except for a big bunch of proofread type errors. Section 1 paragraph 1 “stuffed”, para 9 needs inverted commas at the start, para 10 has a broken sentence and a missing period. “Harti stormed away” belongs above the row of *****. Section 2 para 2 “it”. Section 3 para 2 “close”, para 3 missing a comma, para 3 “fowl war creatures” Where did the Chaos Chickens come from???, para 6 extra “and” missing comma and should be “until”. Section 4 para 1 “treatment”, para 3 has a broken sentence and a missing comma. Section 4 para 4 “sword”, para 5 a stray capital “O”. I remind you all that the Spawning of Bob proofread service hurts less if you use it prior to entering the comp. Anyhoo, the meaning of the story wasn’t obscured so no harm done. I’m just showing off.
Back to the story. There are lots of ways of connecting ideas in a short story. Here the poetic tie in with “work of your own hands” was very slick.
The old man is a good mystery. Is he of the community and known to Harti? If not, how does he know Harti’s words. The Red rimmed armour makes me think Khorne, but the trick seems too subtle. I’m going with The Keeper of Secrets being behind the plot.
The duel is another well laid out, well paced and well described delight.
Author clues – If, as I suspect, Harti and the man are going to
eat Ritter, then the author is
@discomute. Otherwise, I have no idea.
I didn’t realise there were zero lizards until my third reading. I didn’t know a good story could even be
written without lizards. Well done you.
12 Warlord of Sorrow
The sequel to Fireblade’s Challenge goes in a completely unexpected direction for me. I thought it would be all lizardmen internal politics from here on, but no... Another faction with veiled intent, a seemingly disposable character brought back with a vengeance! Theme – tick!
Short and very sweet. Not a typical tied up short story, but a very fine next chapter. And another vivid piece of visual description. The necromancer is so detailed. Even his talking to himself makes perfect sense, being surrounded by generally silent “friends”
· I have a few story construction “suggestions” but they are pretty lightweight and perfect for being ignored. It’s all a bit of a wall of text – more paragraph breaks would be a balm for the ancient eyes of the late night reader. It probably looked alright on word, but it pays to double check when doubl space when you export to L-O.
· Fang pops out of the ground whole, with two yellow eyes (not bad for a pile of smoking chunks of meat, as we knew him from the last episode), but the Fireblade’s first slash put one of his eyes out last time. If I was the necromancer or the author, I would have left the eye damage as a reminder of Fang’s desire to avenge and as a parallel to the Fireblade’s own missing eye.
· The usual convention is LM using glyphs (ie hieroglyphs) rather than runes for written language.
· Fang looks back and can read “traitor” on his headstone. I think this should have happened a third of the way into that paragraph not at the end (after “ and then eye of a red scaled saurus.”) to be the trigger for his more recent, less happy memories. He could still look at the stele at the end to tie it up with his thoughts, or even smash the stone.
· The biggy. The minutely detailed saurus revenant does not have missing teeth described. Yet he gets christened Brokenfang. My poor brain.
My definition of plot hole is something unsaid which makes you think. Plot holes are not inherently bad if a plausible explanation is to hand, or to enhance a feeling of mystery. They just give a feeling that the story is bigger than what you can see at the time. Bad plot holes jolt you out of suspension of disbelief with a crashing WTM. This story has... narrative gaps... which do not jar, but I am going to ask my questions out loud.
· Does Krahen just keep a spare skink around just in case he needs a memory ritual?
· How does Krahen know that this saurus has a thirst for revenge?
· How does a pile of smoking meat learn that the Fireblade had “corrupted an entire city, maybe even all of Lustria.”
· And now one of the gaps between all three stories – How did Krahen find Fang? Could the blade have corrupted Fang’s body and drawn the necromancer that way? Or is Krahen on the trail of the sword? Such possibilities, none of which this author probably intended
I am so excited about the broader narrative. We have a demon blade, a rat-plot, a necromancer with obviously clear but mysterious motivations, hate, rage and vengeance all round. Sounds like a delicious recipe. Best served cold.
Author Clues – It must be our very own self writer's block unblocking
@Lady Tor'ti Llaz
11 Commune
TDFs
parodical laser treatment of this is sublime, but I disagree with his interpretation. I think Emman actually succeeded in his intent, just for the wrong reasons. The outcome will also be not as expected, but he could still be the hero. Then he will mess up again.
I’ll nit pick first – So the priestess stores complaints as a dwarf counts his
coiffeurs. Even a particularly hoardy duardin is unlikely to have several hairstyles... I’m sure you meant coffers (a small strongbox or chest)
You “rout” out a daemon. You “route” out an ungrammatical map.
“maybe it tainted the flagellant’s libation...” needs an “if”.
Moving on – Wordpower. What a lovely collection of words, some of which I recognised, but have never used, some I went to look up to understand their use in the context. This author is a fierce and cold blooded wild thesaurus. Run away! Run away!
The setting was beautiful despite no actual detail – it was all dreamy and poetic and pushed the imagination of a cliff to fly for itself.
The characters and their relationships were instantly relateable, instantly dislikable. How do you know my work colleagues?
The third last paragraph of dreams fracturing and eroding was pure poetry.
As for the story itself, I smile whenever the pathetic warmbloods try to worship us. Their efforts are so irrelevant to our inscrutable ends, but their hearts are in the right place. In this case, on an altar.
I think an opportunity was missed to increase the drama of the telling. This happens: “The Prophetess shouted at him, one sentence, again and again. He didn’t care, it was his time.” Later we find out she was saying “It’s not time. It’s not time.” Which is a cool image. But if she had said it upfront, “He didn’t care. It was his time.” Could have been a paragraph to itself and the decision point / climax / pivot point of the story. Then he takes irreversible action and we see the consequences.
What does it all mean? I say Emman summoned a daemon. Which drew the return of the Seraphon. Then it was banished again (although it would manifest more easily in future), and the cavalry arrives with nothing to fight. By rites (sic) they should probably kill the summoner just in case. Poor Emman
Author Clues: This author got one of my two agony votes. The main protags echo
@thedarkfourth ‘s priests in
Blasphemy and dreamy / nightmary imagery is typical of
@Slanputin . Either should be proud of this. Is there a dark horse in the field? Let’s eat it!
Author clues revisited with extra Boblogical analysis. She is a prophetess of Tepok. She has a big hat. Is Tepok the Big-hatted Old One? Perhaps
@Y'ttar Scaletail is the author-thing!
10 The Ritual of Words Yet Unvoiced
Automatic vote. This story deserves deep consideration from any aspiring author. It is a masterclass of some very well executed writing techniques.
Let’s start with economy of words. In 18 lines we know everything we need to know about Hutl and the defence of Tlax. And most of those lines are dialogue. This is showing not telling condensed, refine and cast into an ingot of pure gold.
Somehow description is lavish, without really saying anything. This is assisted by a fantastic use of vocabulary – “Soon the lost city of Tlax would be conjured again, its immemorial guardians permitted to ruminate, for one more annual moment, on what they had failed to save.” The duels are nothing but the bare necessities, but they are easy to picture and feel. Jumps in time are executed incredibly clearly – there is no confusion as to what is happening to whom and when. A lot of things happen “off camera” which saves narrative space, but the reader still knows that a lot is going on. This story blends the two theme elements absolutely perfectly – there is no hope
without vengeance, and vice-versa. Grounding the story in the context of the army book gives it immediate weight – this is obviously important stuff. It is a gritty and dark story which bubbles with humour because the characters carry the jokes or are just amusing, happy people - For this reason, even the lame jokes don’t get blamed on the author (I should take notes).
Advanced Technique –
Lampshading. When you have a giant plot hole / ass-pull that the reader can’t miss, just lampshade the sucker and move on. The easiest way to do this is for one of the characters to ask the question the reader might reasonably want answered, and move on. For weird suspension of disbelief reasons, it doesn’t even need to get a plausible answer for this to plug the hole. The two obvious examples are the two “wha... how did you get in here, daemon?” examples, but the self commentary in the lame pun-fest at the end is also lampshading – the author acknowledges that he/she has pulled out something outrageous, thereby sharing the joke with the reader rather than insulting their intelligence. But calling someone “Anqipanki” is a definite low blow. All marks deducted.
Back to the actual story. It might (I don’t know) be better to not have the daemon’s spear “magically” deflect in the final section. Rather to link the ghosts “permitted to ruminate, for one more annual moment, on what they had failed to save” purpose of the ritual (which is a hopeless situation) with the fact that “the ghosts turned to stare at her” (that is, Panquetzl interacted with the ghosts). The result is the flesh and blood defenders of Tlax got to see
precisely what they had failed to save, not the abstraction that they may have thought of as they died in hopeless defeat. As a result, Hutl found enough strength /vengeance / guile to win his duel and hope was kindled.
A variation on this would be that Panquetzl somehow revealed the daemon’s weakness, which Hutl exploited – but that dilutes the theme of vengeance being requisite for hope.
Making the above work properly would involve removing payback from Hutl’s motivation at the beginning of the story – “And
that’s for what you did to Xahutec! I was spawned in Xahutec you bastards!” he says. Probably removing hope from the defenders altogether. Even the mission to rouse the Slann can be cast as hopeless. (“but what is the point, one space frog against so many...”). At the end of the process, Hutl’s likeable character and mannerisms would be sacrificed on the altar of Bob’s lust for complex thematic symmetry. I am a cruel god.
Now for the
fridge logic moments:
Umm. What was Tlax’s Slann actually doing during this attack? What good was she going to do anyway? Is it possible that the daemon itself was a necessary ingredient of the ritual, along with Panquetzl’s vengeance? Why was the daemon one of the
aliens from The Simpsons? Why did Hutl resort to terrible one liners at the end, without showing a propensity for this in the other two sections of dialogue he enjoyed? What would Arnie have said?
Author Clues:
@thedarkfourth is this good. Others are also this good, but less likely to leave a happy feeling at the end. (See above: "let's eat Ritter!" - see how a single missing comma can ruin a sentence?)
9 Purpose
Automatic vote. The main character, Roq was having a tough day at the office. Every event / decision in the story, overlaid with what we know about temple guardians made the dilemmas facing him crystal clear, and the fact that every choice he made had drastic opportunity costs articulated the kind of crippling doubt that would paralyze a lesser cold blooded automaton. How was this done?
Real jeopardy folks. Watch
George Lucas sometime and count the numbers of instances of unnecessary jeopardy – it makes the movie visually exciting, but does nothing to advance the plot or build characterisation. Follow the next sequence and try to spot the bits that are important to the plot:
There is a big and long space battle. 2 Jedi get on the command ship. They get stuck in a lift. They get apprehended in a lift. A droid gets in trouble. They find the Senator and kill the Count, revealing a dark tendency. They get captured in a corridor. They have a chat. They have a fight. General Grievous escapes. The ship they are in blows up for no particular reason. They land half-a-ship on a planet, failing to crash it onto Jarjar Bink’s sorry ass.
OK, I concede that a lot of characterisation occurred in there, but was there a single reason for a Bongo ride through the fish infested heart of Naboo, or the deleted scene immediately afterwards where the Bongo gets swept over a waterfall and the aquatic comic relief and the unkillable jedi are in mortal danger? No. (That felt good. Stick that up your palanquin
@NIGHTBRINGER )
Technically, the description of the environment and the unique spawning process was superb. The battle in flashback was palpably chaotic and messy, without laying on detailed gore. The fight with the assassins was harrowing and well laid out and rats haven’t been this menacing since the 1st of April last year.
The author documented Roq’s plunge from utter sureness of purpose to anxiety as he bounced off panic at drowning in dying rats, fear of failure, loss of purpose, and fear of making the wrong choice. His recovery from despair touched accepting control of his own destiny which allowed him to find new purpose. The entire arc was travelled without his courage once being called into question. He reminds me a bit of Ta’avik in the award winning
Fear, except that guardian never recovered and his fear paralysed and killed him.
The amount of off-screen jeopardy was great, too. Green flashes and distant explosions tells us that this is just part of a wider, more complex engagement.
Everyone in the city was having a bad day.
I agree with
@discomute , that the dead slann could have been revealed a little later to increase the shock value to Roq, but it was a necessity that this reveal be first or thereabouts in his character arc, so no biggy.
I was delighted to find two apostrophe errors. “Intruder’s” (singular, possessive) should be “intruders’ ” (plural, possessive), and “it’s hip caved in” should be “it’s”. No other errors.
Author clues. Scalenex is apostrophe anal (apostrophanal?) Scalenex likes to hide his tracks. Therefore the author is Scalenex.
Bonus joke.
Q. How did the skaven get into the city?
A. Intruder sewers.
8 Call of the Stars
Another poetic entry. The as-yet-unnamed hero starts with urges and basic instincts with awareness tugging him from a distance. As he acts, at first for survival, then other forgotten instincts he unlocks the mystery of his identity and purpose. Or something like that.
For me “poetic” evokes feelings and sensations through the written medium. In this story’s case this happens without compromise of a vivid and exciting duel for dominance.
Given the wordsmith’s artistry, it was a bit surprising to find some little inconsistencies, for example the patchy use of italics and bold, and some confusion over the use of he and it. Clearly it should have been :she” in every case.
And “it’s should have been “its” in the last paragraph. I have never been happier with
@Scalenex's proofreading.
Author Clues:
@Slanputin can do light and sensation like this, but I understood all of the words, so probably not her. The title has nothing to do with the story so it could be
@Lady Tor'ti Llaz (as per her clue). If we call this one “Warlord of Sorrow” and then we give that one the title "The Next Generation”. Then "The Next Generation” could be called “Call of the Stars” And then everything would be fixed. I assume
@Scalenex jumbled the titles by accident.
7 Sacred Spawning
It reads more like a history. I think the distinction is that a history is a story about events, rather than about characters - some people love that (me). That said, the panic of the evacuation was palpable, and the description of the glows in the unique spawning chamber was beaut. There were lovely English word choices (calendrical) and well chosen, but not overdone saurian phrases. For the translation guide,
go here.
My favourite aspect of
Sacred Spawning? The brilliant detail about the different roles and casts in society.
On the gripe side, it really stood out that this
kahoun (minor city) wasn’t given a name, while other cities were freely named. A history that gives a date, but not a location feels weird. As for word choices, there can sometimes be a bit too much thesaurus. Like the sentence that was “terse and brief” (and redundant). And it should have been “a millenium ago”.
Author Guesses: The society is complex enough to be from
@Scalenex ,
@pendrake or
@Warden, but proof read errors are not typical of any of them. (except for Scalenex, he’s hopeless.)
6 Sacred Duty
Automatic vote for what this one did to my emotions. I almost teared up on the second reading. Why? I instantly engaged with the characters. Instantly, in this case meaning after the first 4 lines. Trakzi the trog wants to be a parrot and a dog, Kytzl’s affection for her is apparent by the doting smile, even though he feels uneasy about the unusual activity of the divining rod.
The bond between them is everything. Without it, we can’t feel Kytzl’s loss and the assertion that he will fight on “for Trakzi”, rather than Sotek has no weight.
Good characters and arc alone don’t a perfect story make. This story also gives beautiful insights into the hunting and fighting behaviours of a troglodon; A fight described not in visual terms but by smell, taste and sense of touch and noting that Trakzi was disadvantaged by losing another primary sense – hearing (Real and visceral jeopardy - fantastic); a very unpleasant and claustrophobic death from the “viewpoint” of a blind monster; some thoughts about the many practical uses of a divining rod; and a skink going graphically berserk with rage and grief.
This story joins others which beg the question “but what happens next?” This time I know the answer: After Tehenhuan, Prophet of Sotek offers a friendly helping hand (WTM?), he hears Kytzl’s heretical “for Trakzi” whereupon the oracle is set upon by a sea of venomous serpents. He survives this, but not having his heart cut out as a fair restitution for Sotek.
Author Theories: I hope a gurl wrote this, because then I can blame my being of the weaker sex for the fact that I can’t manipulate emotions like this.
5 The Next Generation
Hooray! Parody! I am not Star Trek Next Gen savvy, but I can relate because the characters are all old school Star Trek based (which I watched when it first came out. Sunday afternoons Star Trek and Get Smart ). Actual knowledge of Age of Sigmar lore is almost unnecessary – aside from the memory mechanic.
The medic / magician mechanic is extremely clever. If you thought he was just a funny idea or plucky comic relief, look again. Every other single character in the story knows exactly what is going on – without a naïve character’s viewpoint there can be no tidy explanation of what is happening and no plot twist at the end.
Plot holes abound, but the use of tired clichés is all of the explanation required to paper over them. The battle is messy and confusing – as the story requires. Even the suggested tactic in the 2nd last paragraph makes no particular sense. I choose to laugh with the author rather than try too hard to understand.
One error found in the “I can also mortlly wound...” sentence. “I can also cause mortal wounds by using my tricorder backwards like a club” would read better and be more fun.
Author Suspicions: A rhyming character? Welcome to the L-O story competitions
@Karak Norn Clansman!
4 A Whimper
I can’t add much to the critiques here. I liked this a lot after the first read. After reading
@discomute insight, I double like it. There is room for adding as much depth as the reader’s imagination can add.
The story is technically very well polished. We have another author who wrote precisely what he/she meant to, but who trusts the reader to take the story further.
Author evidence: This echoes
@Slanputin 's
Act of Cessation but
A Whimper's downer ending is way too happy and optimistic for the psychedelic slann to have written it. So I don’t know.
3 Hammer of the Lost
To quote
@Bowser : “
What good is the memory of a memory?” This study of the Seraphon memory mechanic indicates that a memory of a memory with amnesia is a small mercy in a universe desolate of hope. Bleeping Age of Sigmar.
Kai-Otl is a more effective killing machine given the absence of regret or despair for the glories lost. Rex-Op is perhaps a better marshall of the Seraphon’s might given that he does remember a distant past without war and he can see the promise of peace after conflict ends. (he says “Friend, do not take out your frustration on this land that knows nothing of the battles fought upon it. It may yet know peace if left well alone.”) The Slann may be better managers of the “ghosts of Lustria” than I had imagined.
As a parallel process, we get to decide if it is better to have loved and lost than to have never love at all (in a cold-blooded way – no hugs). I say that Kai-Otl was the lucky one, and that Rex-Op should leave him to dream.
The story format is rather “wall of text” – more paragraph breaks help the eye. I actually liked the sequence of
- Rex was nearby...
- 5 saurus guard...
- etc etc
It is unorthodox, but it conveyed that a lot of things were happening simultaneously in the battle, and Kai-Otl was aware of all of them and capable of making tactical decisions in the thick of it.
The first paragraph manifestation from the realmgate was beautiful.
Some sentences were equally lovely “... hefting them with a hiss that emanated impossibly from mouths that had no tongue, from chests that held no lungs”.
Another great and followable duel with real jeopardy. You could feel the crunch of every impact on hide and bone. The dark magic was suitably corrupt.
The story is in two sections, but they seemed to balance alright to me, both in length and “weight”.
Author Guess: I’ll go out on a limb and say
@Oldblood Itzahuan , author of another seraphon and deathrattler story,
The Ghosts We Have.
2 Those Left Behind
The relationship of the story chunks is a big tease. I couldn’t figure it out. I don’t know how they were related in time or geography. I want it to be that the Skink Priest (no name ☹ ) was in the city all along and wanted to warn the relieving force about the trap, but there aren’t enough shared data points for me to be confident. And the meaning of the priest’s resolve (“because I must”) varies according to scenario. Is there hope or not? Please let me know in phase 3!
The conversation between the priest and her messenger, Br’kk felt real, with much left unspoken, but it did really drop the pace and temperature of the story – not necessarily a bad thing. It can be like cutting in the middle of a movie battle scene to a quiet bit of dialogue, or defusing a bomb or something. The trick is to get the plot or emotional intensity of the scenes to a similar level so that it isn’t a momentum killer. Think about the battle for Minas Tirith cutting with the madness of Denethor in wanting to burn himself and Faramir alive. Try not to think of the end of the battle for Helm’s Deep cutting with Sam Gamgee’s speech in Osgiliath.
And yes, it was another gritty and palpable battle, with skaven almost as menacing and disgusting as
@Y'ttar Scaletail 's gym locker.
One typo detected – “Another
ratmen leapt forwards...”
Author assumptions: I’ve no idea.
1 Hope is in Order
I love the broken format of the first paragraph (the same one that everyone else decried). The image-heaviness and the irregular breaks brings to mind “modern poetry” as sensations and visions scatter and reform in an off beat rhythm. So I say “screw you” to the doubters in the form of Haiku.
The mind, a still pond
Sudden ripples bring delight
Or is it unease?
Everyone (me included) loves an outcast. With my unshakable faith in the Great Plan, I suggest that a thieving skink is just a plaque we haven’t interpreted yet. With Yami, I would like to think that he was spawned a skink oracle but it was missed because he had a single tail. His kleptomania was a result of his talents not having an outlet.
The story doesn’t say if he had found an artefact in the jungle, only that there were runes he was studying. Did he find a shrine or carved building? A tablet? Was this something he had stolen from the city earlier? Either way, I hope the thing + star lines + Yami = Rosetta Stone and the result is that the Slann open vast new tracts of knowledge of the Great Plan. The thing is never mentioned again, so I assume it work was done with opening Yami’s inner eyes. Maybe it dissolved.
Luckily he was rescued by friendly humans. They would have been a great snack for the patrolling skinks. The rest of the story is history, but I imagine that the next time we see Yami he will be full fledged blind oracle, paired with a blind troglodon and they will be an utter terror to the things of darkness and he pilfers and pillages the lost treasures of the Old Ones from their unholy grasp.
Yam’s auditory perception of the bubbling rise of the Slann was great, paralleling the sensory feast in Sacred Duty.
There were little errors. In the first paragraph, the revered “Old Ones” deserve capitals. Mating “Bloat toads” do not. In the second paragraph, “He” is capitalised, “Stony” shouldn’t be, and “Yamis vision” needs an apostrophe. And, in the third big paragraph, if the temple city has a “boarder”, I want to know if he/she/it shares a fridge and a bathroom with the owners. Who pays the phone bills? There is much potential for future story conflict right here!
Author Clues:
The author's true self
Is not to be discovered
by my blurred sight
Critiques done. Best Comp Eva. Thank you General
@Scalenex.
