Contest April-May 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

[spawning of Bob]

Good work, Bob - I'm enjoying your metacritique. Very interesting to hear about how you achieve clarity through redrafting - it's this kind of careful process that is really needed for a good structure, even if that's not what you were consciously aiming for

Redrafting is a bit off a strong word for what I usually do. I look for bumps and hollows in the plot that need to be smoothed with a bit of description or a line of ... expository... dialogue. I will often rearrange the order of phrases in long sentences or sentences in long paragraphs so that ideas are presented logically and sequentially. Typos are hunted down and weak words are fed to the Thesaurus.

This proof read was different because the language of the character was almost foreign, and, being in first person, even his thoughts needed to be translated out of my usual style. Where once I could have said "it shone with a blue aura", I had to work harder to say things like " it was funny to look at, like when you look at the sun and there is a bright patch afterwards. The glow was there, but not really there if you looked at it real hard." - the observations needed to be made in a language known to the kid. When I do the director's cut, I am sure I will find other phrases that it was impossible for the characters to have said / thought.

In the meantime, I would recommend to anyone to write something, proof read, and then don't look at it for a week. Fresh eyes help you to see the thing you have written rather than the thing you imagined you wrote.

My other recommendation is to never consider a story "finished". If you spot an error or an opportunity in future, then go ahead and fix it. It's not cheating, future readers will thank you and Tolkien did it. And he's dead, so you should follow his example.

 

[spawning of Bob]

Just out of question, how obvious was my entry?

That makes no sense. And after failing to spot you last time, I didn't try too hard this time. The "he'll be the one who wrote good skaven" test wasn't much use either.

I thought mine might have been the easiest to spot, but then, it seems everyone thought that about theirs.

In hindsight, Scalenex's piece could only have been written by Scalenex, but I guessed you after you boasted that yours was obvious. I looked for a messed up story where someone killed a friend or relative and then justified themselves afterwards. To find that I didn't need to read past story one. Turns out you wrote a messed up story where someone killed themself and justified it beforehand. Your literary scope is growing exponentially.

 

[discomute]

hahahaha classic bob!

 

[Killer Angel]

Thanks Killer Angel, I liked your thematically paired reviews. It reminded me of Warden winning the Art Comp and me coming nowhere because mine was the second-best space frog


Now for the cryptic guesses:
The castle keep is in another province- wrong – I had Bowser as the author of The Coward, because he writes a good dwarf.

The paired review was a thing hat came out while I was writing them... at that point, i wrote 'em all in that way, finding connections. It was fun, and also a different take on the "usual" reviews, for the authors that read them.

For the cryptic guesses... well, mine was hard, given that 'til now you had no idea of my writing style. Next time will be easier.
If you like, I could insert some mysterious hint, like the description of a stone, signed with "Thordek was here". Do you think it would be against the anonymous spirit of the comp?

 

[Y'ttar Scaletail]

That makes no sense. And after failing to spot you last time, I didn't try too hard this time. The "he'll be the one who wrote good skaven" test wasn't much use either.

I thought the Inquisirats were a good giveaway, not to mention Ironfur I believe has appeared in a UE story comp that Scalenex won, and several key words cropped up throughout: "stars" "dark" "gloom" "shadow" "glowing" "dim" "extinguished" and a lot of focussing on eyes. I'm kinda surprised I didn't unconsciously put some kind of candle in there, but you can usually tell my pieces by (the over) use of light effects (and shadows), a mention of stars, describing a candle as being a living thing, and a focus on eyes.

 

[Slanputin]

Okay we are posting responses to critques here? Okay here goes:



I just love this review! And I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempt to rule the eastern mountains. Since it was entirely positive, I will move on.



Okay so first of all, I am curious if anyone else picked that it was a sword from Slaanesh? I hate being constrained with the pre-existing opinions of the dark gods, so I didn't want to specifically say that. I tried to drop hints by referring to the enemy as “the evil” and saying the sword was “purple hilted”. I figured as long as people got that it was the sword driving him crazy it would work, I just used the concept of Slaanesh and an launching pad for obsession and desire.

Ah yes, the erotic overtones. They sort of had to form part of the story. This Slaanesh sword is affecting the narrator to the extent that he is desiring/obsessing over Chosi. How would this play out in a character that doesn't even know what sexual desire is? Well firstly he notices every inch of him. And he wrestles him. The two are certainly erotic. As for the wrestling move, before my poor knees started to swell, I would routinely pull guard when my opponent would shoot, the hip bump was my favourite sweep, and the triangle choke my favourite submission. So they weren't supposed to be erotic per-say, but certainly that is a by-product over obsessing about someone.



Although I am surprised the erotic parts were totally missed, I do think Bob's interpretation is closer to what I intended. One theme that I tried (perhaps unsuccessfully) to explore is the notion of desire/obsession over someone who is subordinate to you in the military. It must be a very frightening thing to know there is an issue, but due to strict protocol, be unable to act on it until it it is too late.

And the ending. The entire time I wrote the story the narrator was supposed to kill Chosi. But it was weak. And it wasn't anti-hero. It was just plain villain. And so, despite having this story written on day one, it took me a week of playing with it. I tried to make Chosi evil. I tried a lot of different things, they weren't working. All of a sudden this came to me. And it fit perfectly. It didn't feel like I had “come up with a good ending”, it felt like I had “discovered what the ending was”.

I find it extremely interesting that Bob is left wondering if Chosi will pick that sword up. Did anyone else wonder that? Because that wasn't my intention. Chosi had misgivings about the sword to begin with. The narrator last act of killing himself was mad. But it was so mad it put an exclamation point next to how bad the sword was. Chosi is definitely not touching that evil sword of Slaanesh now! Reliable-Leader just used it to kill himself! There was one final question to mull over. But it was faint suggestion, that only some people would pick up on if they decided to think about what would happen next. The reason my last edit made them so specifically alone...

...it was a pretty mad act wasn't it? Put yourself in someone elses shoes, say for example the next person up the command chain... “So you're telling me that this Reliable Champion had been punishing you for a transgression, you come back and he is lying in a pool of his own blood. And you're telling me that he drew his own sword and stabbed himself?” Would he believe that? Would he inspect the sword? Would he pick it up? (And I think this story only works with Lizardmen, because Humans for example would not believe that. And would pick up the sword. I think it is a real question that only works for Lizardmen, especially Saurus. Quite possibly they would believe Chosi, and let things be. They did just kill a chaos army after all.)



Haha no worries #pretendsnottocareaboutvotes



Well the important thing here is learning to craft our writing, and understand what works and what doesn't, so not-voting is fine, I appreciate the feedback. And thanks for the complements of the wrestling scene, it was hard to write.

Okay so you didn't like the ending as it was confusing. Well that is interesting. From my perspective the sword was clearly evil, and he was being slowly driven mad by it. By him deciding to kill himself to "be together forever" with it. The anti-hero part fitted because it was supposed to be clear that he had done the right thing in the end by taking his life (before he did something worse) and no way Chosi was going to touch that sword now. So although it would be best if he let a slaanesh sword lie, at least the cost was only himself in the end. So that was why I thought he was an anti-hero.

And, yes, how could I not be tempted to use the term “precious”. But I resisted.



Yes, I agree it did become something of a dream like state, which sort of worked. Thanks for the complements regarding the ending, though I've discussed it already in this post. And as previously mentioned, yeah the dirty overtones were there, in the form of a desire the protagonist doesn't recognize and can't deal with.

Incidentally, wrestling is a great way to build strength, and the erotic nature of it wasn't my doing. To prove that, have a look at this 1 minute 30 video of the move in question: a hip bump into triangle choke.

You were one of the chosen for my half-formed review too. Trinity was one of my favourites:

Trinity

I enjoyed this one. My initial expectation was for it to be another battle story however this was quickly erased by the psychological narrative – battles are exciting but expected; battles with psyche are great; psychological depth to the Lizardmen is rare. Most stories establish ideas of want but these are often foundational character traits on which the stories are built. Here it is wrestled with, and I enjoyed the focus it was given. This summarises my experience with this story: it never went quire where I expected it to.

I found the tension here palpable, far more than most of the other stories. The growing atmosphere suspicion and jealousy between the two Saurus, the question over the lucidity of the champion’s perspective, the interpretations gained from even the smallest social cues – all integrated within a delicate narrative which built up to a satisfactory ending.

I nearly choked on my tea with the more carnal metaphor – although appropriate for Slaaneshi story it wasn't something I was expecting. On one level the carnality existed within the relationship tension between the two Saurus; a projection of jealousy from the narrator, and a manifestation of the theme of authority (which I'll go into later.) On the other level it hinged on the sword and worked well to tie the story to the object on a meta-level. For the first point, I'm not sure if you could label a story based on sexless society as homoerotic, but it matters not given the tone produced anyway, and the fact that us on L-O tend to favour in male pronouns for our sexless lizards. I actually liked this subtle route as it highlighted the change in the narrator's relationship with Chosi - regarding him both as a threat to his current companion (the sword), and how the narrator obsesses over Chosi's capability. Moving to the second point, I’m unsure if the author intended to have so much phallic metaphor either, but from a technical stand-point I found it got a little bit overbeaten towards the end. Perhaps I'm over-analysing? Carnality wouldn’t have been the way I’d have gone with it: in my Saaneshi-Lizardmen story a few competitions ago I avoided the motif as canality was not something that affected the Lizardmen, focusing instead on concepts of social bonding. However here it was used as a technique to influence the meta-narrative, and weaved a slightly perturbing tone because of it. This only added to the already taught atmosphere.

The second theme I picked up was authority: the narrator has martial authority over Chosi. The sword has mental control over the narrator, and as such also controls on how the audience perceive the events. I couldn't help but reflect on awkward incidences and stories of undue and unwanted attention from those senior, whether that be through age, social standing, work, etc. That it made me connect with a real-life problem, one that could greatly affect someone's life, and then bring that atmosphere into the writing to create a palpable tension was good display of writing skill. My only misgiving is that at points the story could do with some breathing space: tension is at its most cruel when it is unrelenting, but the audience is unaware of it relentlessness and is tricked into thinking it's eased its grip. But this is a short story contest so waffle is at a premium.

The denouement was rewarding – I was worried it might become melodramatic, but the pitiful image of a Saurus fighting back against blade with a stick was powerful enough to ram home the point of his superior’s betrayal. Right until the end this story plays you – the champion’s sudden hesitation at the thought of slaying his kin promises redemption, but instead the opportunity for Chosi to act only spurs on the champion’s resolve: a moment of clarity only furthers the corruption rather then draw it back. The most horrific part of the end wasn't the suicide, but the concept behind it - blade on flesh is subverted to be a union rather than a divider. I could almost imagine a daemon inside the blade easing into its new host.

 

[discomute]

Wow what a great review. I'm on my phone at the moment but I will go over fully later. Thanks for such effort in the write up!

 

[SlanntaClause]

I'd be intrested to know who voted my story if they'd be forthcoming if not don't worry

 

[spawning of Bob]

My answer depends on if you are getting the nice list out and if you really know if I'm being bad or good in real time.

 

[SlanntaClause]

Real time? I deliver millions of gifts in one night - what you an I consider real time are too very different things dearest Bob

 

[spawning of Bob]

I didn't vote for you.

 

[SlanntaClause]

I didn't think you did

 

[spawning of Bob]

Under the circumstances I thought honesty was the best policy.

 

[SlanntaClause]

Its good to know your morals are circumstantial

 

[Killer Angel]

Its good to know your morals are circumstantial

Many of us share circumstantial morals.

 

[Scalenex]

My votes for were for the Coward, the Fireblade's Challenge, Snow Saga, and Paranoia. I can't help but think that the lack of anonymity on my part as the collector of all the pieces swayed my votes.

I liked that @Killer Angel first entry was so excellent. It also seemed like @Lady Tor'ti Llaz signed up for the forum, just to submit a new piece with a fresh take on Saurus interactions. I'd probably still have voted for them had they been anonymous but I don't know if they'd be my top two.

Everyone is getting better over time, but I was positively swayed by @Essmir 's especially rapid improvement.

I liked the Serpent's Poison too much to not vote. I should not apply meta thinking but I kind of wanted to not like it because @Slanputin won the last contest. I feared if Slanputin won every time, other writers would get discouraged. I couldn't reject this piece. It's just too good. I guess I'm a sucker for horrible deaths, but I could not come up with five pieces I liked better than this.

My fifth slot would be filled with either "Paranoia" or "Harvest." I did not favor @Otzi'mandias over @spawning of Bob because Otzi was the newbie. I favored the piece 1) I wanted to reward someone for using words efficiently and 2) I really cracked up at the description of the crude drawing. Otzi captured the Skaven's alien mindset, made the relate-able and included the best joke of this contest.

Bob, you would have been my sixth vote.

 

[discomute]

You were one of the chosen for my half-formed review too. Trinity was one of my favourites:

Trinity

I enjoyed this one. My initial expectation was for it to be another battle story however this was quickly erased by the psychological narrative – battles are exciting but expected; battles with psyche are great; psychological depth to the Lizardmen is rare. Most stories establish ideas of want but these are often foundational character traits on which the stories are built. Here it is wrestled with, and I enjoyed the focus it was given. This summarises my experience with this story: it never went quire where I expected it to.

I found the tension here palpable, far more than most of the other stories. The growing atmosphere suspicion and jealousy between the two Saurus, the question over the lucidity of the champion’s perspective, the interpretations gained from even the smallest social cues – all integrated within a delicate narrative which built up to a satisfactory ending.

I nearly choked on my tea with the more carnal metaphor – although appropriate for Slaaneshi story it wasn't something I was expecting. On one level the carnality existed within the relationship tension between the two Saurus; a projection of jealousy from the narrator, and a manifestation of the theme of authority (which I'll go into later.) On the other level it hinged on the sword and worked well to tie the story to the object on a meta-level. For the first point, I'm not sure if you could label a story based on sexless society as homoerotic, but it matters not given the tone produced anyway, and the fact that us on L-O tend to favour in male pronouns for our sexless lizards. I actually liked this subtle route as it highlighted the change in the narrator's relationship with Chosi - regarding him both as a threat to his current companion (the sword), and how the narrator obsesses over Chosi's capability. Moving to the second point, I’m unsure if the author intended to have so much phallic metaphor either, but from a technical stand-point I found it got a little bit overbeaten towards the end. Perhaps I'm over-analysing? Carnality wouldn’t have been the way I’d have gone with it: in my Saaneshi-Lizardmen story a few competitions ago I avoided the motif as canality was not something that affected the Lizardmen, focusing instead on concepts of social bonding. However here it was used as a technique to influence the meta-narrative, and weaved a slightly perturbing tone because of it. This only added to the already taught atmosphere.

The second theme I picked up was authority: the narrator has martial authority over Chosi. The sword has mental control over the narrator, and as such also controls on how the audience perceive the events. I couldn't help but reflect on awkward incidences and stories of undue and unwanted attention from those senior, whether that be through age, social standing, work, etc. That it made me connect with a real-life problem, one that could greatly affect someone's life, and then bring that atmosphere into the writing to create a palpable tension was good display of writing skill. My only misgiving is that at points the story could do with some breathing space: tension is at its most cruel when it is unrelenting, but the audience is unaware of it relentlessness and is tricked into thinking it's eased its grip. But this is a short story contest so waffle is at a premium.

The denouement was rewarding – I was worried it might become melodramatic, but the pitiful image of a Saurus fighting back against blade with a stick was powerful enough to ram home the point of his superior’s betrayal. Right until the end this story plays you – the champion’s sudden hesitation at the thought of slaying his kin promises redemption, but instead the opportunity for Chosi to act only spurs on the champion’s resolve: a moment of clarity only furthers the corruption rather then draw it back. The most horrific part of the end wasn't the suicide, but the concept behind it - blade on flesh is subverted to be a union rather than a divider. I could almost imagine a daemon inside the blade easing into its new host.

Okay thanks so much for this.

Although I only had 4 votes, I am pleased that my story seems to have stuck with some people.

Sword = phallic = mind blown
No I did not intend or even notice that one. But you are correct. Perhaps I should have made it spear. Or a cub. Or a polearm.

Otherwise your review was fantastic, it is mostly everything that I was shooting for. Cheers

After reading this I think I am going to move most of these to my thread in the forum. I would love to have them all together to read over.

 

[Scalenex]

Whoops. How did this whole sorry mess get this far without working out the nominees for the covetedScalenex Cup? It is awarded to the author who kills the most named characters. Maimings are taken into consideration in the event of a draw. Scalenex himself will name the winner or winners.

This was my narcissistic misgiving. I enjoy bestowing the Scalenex Cup (It’s a cup covered with sharp pointy bits and filled with readers’ tears) on people who inflict horrible fates upon likeable protagonists. My piece had a double dose of me-ness. I can’t give the prize to myself, so I choose the Fireblade’s Challenge. @Lady Tor'ti Llaz killed the antagonist so brutally I felt sorry for the guy I was rooting against. Then set fire to my imagine imagining the horrible prize the protagonist would pay. Given that there is more implied ruin to your protagonists followers than mine, I guess you beat me fair and square for the Cup.

 

[spawning of Bob]

Yeah, you were very gentle. You had the most cup points in the top three, but the Lady killed you overall.

Congratulations @Lady Tor'ti Llaz.

 

[Lady Tor'ti Llaz]

It also seemed like @Lady Tor'ti Llaz signed up for the forum, just to submit a new piece with a fresh take on Saurus interactions.

This was my narcissistic misgiving. I enjoy bestowing the Scalenex Cup (It’s a cup covered with sharp pointy bits and filled with readers’ tears) on people who inflict horrible fates upon likeable protagonists. My piece had a double dose of me-ness. I can’t give the prize to myself, so I choose the Fireblade’s Challenge. @Lady Tor'ti Llaz killed the antagonist so brutally I felt sorry for the guy I was rooting against. Then set fire to my imagine imagining the horrible prize the protagonist would pay. Given that there is more implied ruin to your protagonists followers than mine, I guess you beat me fair and square for the Cup.

Yeah, you were very gentle. You had the most cup points in the top three, but the Lady killed you overall.

Congratulations @Lady Tor'ti Llaz.

Firstly, thank you so much for awarding me with the Scalenex cup. I may not have made the top three, but I did make Most Bloodthirsty Looney In The Competition. I do feel the floating ocelot telling me to add more gore gave me an unfair advantage, though. Anyway, my sincere thanks for the Cup and the congratulations. I must admit, I had no idea there was a short story competition until I'd signed up for the forum. My sister said the people on here were friendly, and I wanted to see other people's figures.