After their defeat at the hands of the Lizardmen, the dozen ships left of the fleet of hundreds sailed back north, but foul winds led them to a part of the north they had never seen, a small settlement near a large pine forest. The militia raced to meet them, but it was unnecessary for the marauders (The Chaos warriors had stood and fought to the death rather than retreat) were in no shape for a fight, and so Hroki was forced to surrendered to the local warriors. And there they found something which changed their fate forever. You see, this town did not worship any of the Chaos gods, or any god known to many outsiders, for gods of his kind were rare. His name was Iasad, one of the last of the elder gods, which had all but passed from memory, possessed of much different abilities from their younger cousins. Most notably the ability to manifest an Avatar upon the world. Allowing them to take a more direct role in the shaping of their world. And this is almost exactly what Hroki was told, and he is now one of the few living mortals to meet an elder god, and while none could call Hroki a coward, he did tremble at the visage of Iasad, He was over twenty feet tall, with mighty antlers, each larger than a man, and he wielded a bow the equal of a bolt thrower. “I cannot judge your place in the turning of ages,” he said, “For we are coming upon a time where none can predict an outcome, and the die is cast, for better or for worse, and gods and mortals both are dealt hands, and must play their cards as best they can. The time has come for me to return to the battlefield, for in my self-imposed exile a former brother of mine has grown powerful, and shall soon march his army upon an unsuspecting world. And so I must ask you a question, who shall you cast your die for?” Hroki shrugged, and answered, “I’ll cast it for myself, but I reckon that you would be a better ally than most other gods. My first piece of advice; Steal Tzeentch’s dice, I hear they’re loaded.” “Well spoken, though you may wish to swallow your words before the end, for if we fail all that you love will be destroyed.” “The one I cared about most has already passed, at the hands of another, though the responsibility in truth, lies with a vile Daemon of Khorne. Besides, from the sounds of it if we don’t do anything the outcome would be the same.” The god shook his mighty antlered head in pity, “I am sorry for your loss, but thankful that you will still ride by me, for the foe we face is truly terrible.” “About that, what should I expect to face?” “A god akin to me, except for one horrendous capability.” His eyes seemed to darken and bore through Hroki’s soul, “Where I am god of the Hunt, He is god of the Undead.” Hroki- The brother of Hrimki, now the Chief of the remaining Norscans, he is almost his brothers equal in battle, with far more guile and charisma Iasad- Elder god of the hunt, and all who participate in it, Hunter and Hunted
Sorry Esurc, I didn't realize you had no replies for the 30 reads so far. I never read your stories until I know I will have some thinking time available, so I didn't get to it straight away. General comment: Going well - a good balance of setting the scene while nothing much is happening and building interest in whatever is coming next. You've got the Silmarillion-style overview style going well after your background pieces. It will be interesting to see how you go when you start integrating more action. Orientation comment: I'm much less confused than usual, but... It would help me if I knew which continent the ships landed on, that might make it more obvious why Hroki was sticking around making friends instead of continuing home. Also, the Bio on Hroki is a cut and paste from last time, but we lost the context of his brother being a Chaos lord. Would that make Hroki a chieftain in his own right now? Spoiler: Boring spelling, grammar and layout suggestions that no one really needs to read The usual disclaimer applies - take the advice that suits you, ignore the rest. If everyone wrote like a demi-Bob, things would be pretty dull. After their Defeat at the hands of the Lizardmen, the dozen ships left of the fleet of hundreds sailed back north, but foul winds led them to a part of the north parts (too many norths) they had never seen, a small settlement near a large pine forest period. New sentence, but the marauders (The Chaos warriors had stood and fought to the death rather than retreat) were in no shape for a fight, and so Hroki surrendered to the local warriors. restructure into more sentences - maybe "Hroki was confronted by local warriors. He had lost the Chaos warriors who had stood etc, and his marauders were in no shape etc. Surrender was the only option." And there they found something which changed their fate forever. You see, this town did not worship any of the chaos gods, or any god known to many outsiders, for gods of his kind were rare. His name was lasad, (beware - Arial font uses the same vertical line for lower case "L" and upper case "i" errors have been made (just ask Ibisson, aka Len) if you care if people call him Lasad or Iasad, consider a different font.)(one of the last of the elder gods, which had all but passed from memory,period. New sentence possessed of much different abilities from their younger cousins, most notably, the ability to manifest an Avatar upon the world,period. New sentence allowing them to take a more direct role in the shaping of their world. And this is almost exactly what Hroki was told, and he is now (or he became?) one of the few living mortals to meet an elder god,period. New sentence and while none could call Hroki a coward, he did tremble at the visage of Iasad period. New sentence, He was over twenty feet tall, with mighty antlers, each larger than a man, and he wielded a bow the equal of a bolt thrower. New paragraph “I cannot judge your place in the turning of ages,” he said, “For we are coming upon a time where none can predict an outcome, and the die is cast, for better or for worse period. New sentence and gods and mortals both are dealt hands, and must play their cards as best they can. The time has come for me to return to the battlefield, for in my self-imposed exile a former brother of mine has grown powerful, and shall soon march his army upon an unsuspecting world. And so I must ask you a question, who shall you cast your die for?” Tricky - you've got a mix of dice and cards - if you want to stick with buy more LO dice you could use "gods and mortals both must accept their lot" which is a dicey thing to say.New paragraph Hrimki shrugged, and answered, “I’ll cast it for myself, but I reckon that you would be a better ally than most other gods. My first piece of advice; Steal Tzeentch’s dice, I hear they’re loaded.” New paragraph“Well spoken, though you may wish to swallow your words before the end, for if we fail comma all that you love will be destroyed.” New paragraph“The one I cared about most has already passed, at the hands of another,period. New sentence though the responsibility comma in truth, lies with a Daemon. Besides, from the sounds of it comma if we don’t do anything the outcome would be the same.” The god shook his mighty antlered head in pity, New paragraph“I am sorry for your loss, but thankful that you will still ride by me, for the foe we face is truly terrible.” New paragraph“About that, what should I expect to face?” New paragraph“A god akin to me, except for one horrendous capability.” His eyes seemed to darken and bore through Hroki’s soul, “Where I am god of the Hunt, He is god of the Undead.” You could add a line about the powerful aura of authority / command that Iasad has, or how upset at daemons Hroki is, to help hand wave away how easily Hroki gave his allegiance. Don't forget that sentences have a subject. If you meander your way through several commas it can become unclear what the subject was to begin with. Equally, if you break long sentences into shorter ones, you may need to add words to redefine the subject. This is where is is useful to have a name and a title and a description nailed for each character, otherwise it becomes Bob this, Bob that etc. Example. Hroki was not a good sailor and he was happy to be ashore at last. Unfortunately, the first thing the Norscan chief found on the strange shore was a phalanx of spearmen. The scowl on his sallow face grew darker. Hroki, chief and sallow face - now interchangeable. Hroki- The brother of Hrimki, he is almost his brothers equal in battle, with far more guile and charisma Iasad- Elder god of the hunt, and all who participate in it, Hunter and Hunted
Does anyone play Clash of Clans? I just have an image of Lasad being the love-child of Orion and CoC's Archer Queen..