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Fiction Forsaken by the skies

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by vg11k, Mar 16, 2018.

  1. vg11k
    Skink

    vg11k Member

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    Hey there. I'll share with you a little story i started months ago. In french i already have the next chapter written and soon i'll translate him too. Before i found lustria-online, i was searching motivation about lizardmens but found no answers to my questions on french forums. With you i'll try to go on with this. But it's once i'll have translated the first chapter, it's possible i take a few months to write and translate the next ones.

    By the way, it's possible for some words or sentence sounds weird because i'm still progressing in this language and do mistakes, even with the help of translating tools. Feel free to notify me about that, by pm i would prefer.

    And finally, some advertising i'll do only once in this topic. I started the same process of translating in Shakespeare language my stories on your neighbor carpe noctem where you can found the story of my vampire character (more than 200 pages written in french). Also, i got a blog where a put everything i write about all armies (and others things...), in french and in english. Here is the link.

    So here we go. Have fun ;)






    Introduction

    Step by step, the pain was twisting his ribs. He progressed between the imposing colonnades, leaving a scarlet trail in his wake. The chipped blade and broken blowpipe fell to the ground. Both would be useless for now. No threat would come to him in these forgotten places anyway.

    The ancient buildings passed around him, deserted since centuries and devoured by the vegetation. Painfully he walked up the endless alleys. The shadows lengthened but he did not fear them. Would there have been an enemy, this one would have been able to escape his gaze. But Keg'zalt knew he was alone. Alone for centuries and until the end of time.

    The wild beasts dared not enter the forgotten city. On the outside, however, death was hidden in every corner. His bloody wound was a reminder of that. Tired, he stopped in front of a particular building : the path traced in the vegetation stopped at the foot of the wall, silent witness of his regular comings and goings. In a high niche was his refuge. Gently, he put his fingers on the stone and tried to climb up. The pain passed through his body, but he passed over and slowly hoisted himself up. It was only after a few meters of climbing that his catches betrayed him. He fell and bounced heavily to the ground, miserable. His fingers were sticky in the mood and no longer stuck to the stone. He couldn't climb to his shelter for the night. It didn't matter. He'd be safe in the ruins anyway.

    At the end of his strength he wandered through the unrecognizable alleys that had given way to vegetation long ago. It was after a long time, haggard, that he realized where his steps had led him. It was in front of the old basins, which had dried up long ago. The next moment he was driving on the ground, finally giving in to fatigue.

    Slowly, the stars passed before his gaze. Keg'zalt would have liked to find rest, be able to close his eyes and abandon himself to sleep. Or even give up, permanently. But despite his injuries, his body was still struggling to stay alive. Despite his exhaustion, he could not close non-existent eyelids. Despite the pain and loneliness, he could not shed tears. Only his growing hunger and slow breathing remained.

    As the two moons illuminated his ever attentive gaze, he felt the north wind rise. That hot, dry, dust-laden wind that came to dry out his scales. That warm wind that carried the murmur of a gentle lapping.

    It took Keg'zalt a moment to realize that something was wrong. Painfully, he turned on his elbows and raised his head. An imposing stump had fallen into the pit a few decades ago. And despite this, despite the broken stones and the wild grasses, a blue glow emanated from the pool. He felt his heart beat harder in his chest as he straightened up, any pain gone.

    A fine mist wavered over the quiet surface. The liquid diffused that soft light that had caught his attention. And, tiny, fragile tadpoles wriggled before the amazed chameleon. After several millennia, the spawning pool had just brought life to a whole new generation. Keg'zalt was no longer alone.
     
  2. vg11k
    Skink

    vg11k Member

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    Shame on me, i still have not took the time to read the lizard stories here but i have good hope i'll soon start to. Also, it'll be time to participate a bit more, even if i don't have any mini related.

    After this short intro, here is the first (and still only T.T) chapter i've written about lizardmens.


    Chapter 1

    Carried by the air currents, he flew over the imposing complex in silence. In a few moments he found himself above his objective whose colour contrasted with the surrounding stones. Crossing his hunting territory, he had noticed the sudden appearance of this new pond. As well as the easy prey that had already made their home there. Nothing could escape his piercing gaze, not even the menacing bipedal creature that was constantly lurking near it. And this one was precisely absent at this very moment. How can you refuse such a feast, offered by providence?

    Incurning his voluminous wings, he felt the air inflate his plumage as he began his descent. Spinning, attentive to the smallest detail, he looked for the beast so often seen in this part of the forest. A lonely beast, unable to follow him in the air. But his instinct was not to mess with it. Caution and cowardice were concepts foreign to the raptor whose claws planted themselves in the bark. On the other hand, he knew how to be opportunistic when the opportunity presented itself. The tree where he had just landed plunged into the surprisingly cool pond in the shade of a structure devoured by climbing plants.

    One last time, he swept the place with his big yellow eyes. The place was deserted. He was alone. Alone with his prey. These were wriggling under the top of the water. Bowing his head, he estimated the depth now that he had dared to approach it. And concludes that it was deeper than he would have expected, but above all, not enough to hide any hidden predator. Even if in the depths he thought he could discern... under the swirls caused by the big tadpoles... Eager to discover an unexpected dish, he approached his beak to the water...

    A suspicious movement made him jump aside. The next moment a dazzling pain crossed his chest. The imposing bird of prey rolled sideways with a deafening scream and rushed down the few steps of the pool, beating its wings to straighten up. Leaping from the low shrubs overhanging his proteges, the reptile with the variegated scales straightened up by brandishing a second javelin. Although wounded, the bird easily measured twice the size of Keg'zalt for a most impressive wingspan. And had sharp dewclaws. A clumsy attempt to flap his wings again, he whipped the air with his paws and tried to slash the chameleon. But he outpaced his foe and charged, leaping above the sharp talons. The second javelin penetrated deeply into the shoulder of the intruder, a new impulse paralysing the wing in the wake. Both fell to the paved ground in a tangled mass of scales and feathers.

    A few moments later the ruins were quiet again. Painfully, Keg'zalt straightened up. His thick fingers were still firmly tight on the handles of his weapons. He shook his head, then left his enemy's body there. Despite the deep wound on his hip, he dragged himself on three legs to the edge of the pool. Impassible, however, he let his relief show when his shoulders collapsed. His proteges were fine.

    Turning his gaze to the imposing raptor, he studied it at length, putting aside the stabbing pain he felt. It had been three days since he noticed the giant bird of prey circus. After a first approach while he had the negligence to consult the other basins of the city, he was satisfied to fly over the places by gliding very high in the sky. But Keg'zalt's gaze never blinked, not even at the zenith. And his patience suffered no rival. He had waited a whole day in ambush, hung in the ivy and imitating the complex pattern of plant interlacing. The reptile had managed to deceive the bird's sharp senses. And had just got something to eat for the next few days.

    The chameleon didn't knew it, but he was the dean of all jungle creatures. And he practiced the art of ambush since his early youth with a talent perfected over the centuries.

    The burning star continued its race tirelessly, day after day. And despite the heat, Keg'zalt continued to watch the pool, attentive from dawn to dusk. And yet the new day found the reptile awake. Always attentive. He hadn't slipped away since the attack a week earlier.

    *​

    For thousands of years, the pools had dried up, no longer producing new reptiles. And as the centuries passed, all those in the city had died. One by one. Until Keg'zalt ended up alone. Last survivor of a bygone world.

    But hope was reborn. As the days passed, he saw the amphibians grow before his eyes, evolving under the surface of the water. The reckless ones were already coming to catch the dragonflies that were loitering at the edge of the wave. In a moon hardly they would be big enough and strong enough to emerge.

    If the chameleon remained motionless for long hours, his mind was bubbling. What were the plans of the former missing ? Why revive their extinct species ? Did they really anticipate that he would be alone to welcome this new generation ? Would he be able to pass on his own knowledge to them ? He still had to remember how to communicate. He hadn't spoken a word in over half a millennium. Moreover... it was perhaps still early to project himself into the future. Keg'zalt was old. Very old. But he had very precise memories on the fate to reserve to the deformed litters. And if his hopes were only mirages, the chipped blade on his side would not fail him.

    *​

    - She exists ! he cried.

    Stumbling with emotion, the few primates cross the colonnades that once bounded the gates of the city.

    - She exists ! She exists she exists she exists ! I told you idiots !

    And to punctuate his statement, he went to kiss the bald head of one of his companions out of breath. Unlike the rest of the group, the most loquacious specimen was not dressed with a heavy pack and was already going to venture into the first alleys. Cursing, the others painfully followed in his footsteps, dripping with sweat as they left the suffocating jungle.
    - Follow the drawings engraved on the wall of a ruin... you talk about an idea...

    - A stupid idea, added his neighbor. Yet he was right... and you owe me three pieces.

    - Do I look like I have them on me?

    As the sherpas followed their 'guide', they did not notice the nearby shadow slipping into the ferns.

    - It's simply incredible, continued the first primate. What kind of man would live in a place like this?

    - Hey genius, how about you stop drooling over what you see and get us where we're gonna get some gold?

    - Gold, yes yes gold... repeated the guide without really listening to him, dazzled by the barracks devoured by ivy. Even after so many years they resist the ravages of time, he thought aloud.

    Exasperated, the following left their packages in the shade of a collapsed statue. With an evil eye, the first of the three thieves whispered as he pointed to the illuminated chin:

    - Nikolas, don't you think we should leave him there?

    These two accomplices exchanged a surprised look, then also looked at the fourth of their group.

    - We lugged all the shit through the jungle for weeks while he was running in front. Devoured by mosquitoes, entangled in swamps, eating rotten dirt...

    - Eaten by leeches... added Nikolas sniffing.

    - Eaten by leeches, nodded the first.

    - And also Ouch!

    Nikolas slammed his calf with a pest. But the damage was done and the sting was already burning his skin.

    - Damn countries of my two !

    The four primates progressed in the deserted alleys of the city. Without noticing the silent shadow that ran along their advance.

    - Two coins we find gold before tonight ! raised one of the porters from an empty building.

    - You got it !

    - Soon you'll owe me two more pieces, he laughed. There's gold in this town. I can feel it. And…

    He leapt forward while pushing a pathetic yelp. The others jumped as he vigorously rubbed his butt.

    - Damn mosquitoes ! he cried. How can such a small thing do so mu...

    Stopping in the middle of his sentence, he bent over to pick up a small object from the ground. Studying it, he frowned.

    - What is it ? What is it ? Nikolas wondered as he approached.

    Without a word, he showed him what he was holding. A little needle. A blood stream was drawn on his palm by the tip of the palm.

    - What the fuck ?

    - A sting, whispered the bald sherpa. A sting...

    Losing all colors, he rushed on his pack and hastened to pull a machete. He drew his weapon in front of his companions, surprised by his reaction, as he scanned the heights of the surrounding roofs.

    - Let's go back, said the city-dweller in a jovial tone. I can't wait to discover some...

    - Quiet ! Quiet ! Nikolas ordered with authority. You…

    A hiccup interrupted him. They all turned to him as a new twitching shook his shoulders. He leaned on the near wall to keep his balance, hiding his mouth from the back of his hand.

    - Nikolas ? You…

    But he suddenly fell to his knees and dropped a scarlet sheaf. Taken with a violent coughing fit, he held himself for a moment in this posture as none dared approach him. Tetanized. Then his inspirations became a high-pitched whistle as he tried to breathe. But a new bounce agitated him, followed by an additional vomiting crisis. It finally collapsed, trembling for a few seconds before finally coming to rest in a last stifled whistle.

    Paralyzed by the scene, which lasted only a few moments, the survivors exchanged looks of panic. The sherpa holding the sting bleached as if he had just been burned.

    - Let's get out of here ! cried his comrade.

    However, the primate they had guided so far protested strongly :

    - It's out of the question ! We are so close and we...

    He was caught in protest by a dull shock that threw him forward. Stunned, his two partners saw him fall down without a sound. A long wooden stick crossed his abdomen, the sharp point coming out under his torso more than ten centimetres. Without waiting anymore, the two survivors turned their heels and fled in the opposite direction.

    But only about ten minutes later, one of the sherpas was at his turn taken with a coughing attack. As his bald companion urged him to continue, he collapsed and emptied his guts. He swear and left him to his fate and ran away. He didn't even knew who was attacking them. He didn't knew why. But he didn't care. He only wanted to leave this nightmare place and return to the relative safety of the virgin forest.

    Breathless, he came to a fork and took the time to calm his breathing. Wiping his brow dripping with sweat, he looked down the three aisles. But no sign of their invisible assailant.

    - Damn city, he spat while backing up step by step.

    A lapping in his back made him suddenly startle. He turned around and discovered an artificial pool in which lay an imposing stump. A refreshing breeze from the stagnant water picked him up from his face. Surprisingly, it was not greenish like the marshes all around, but a cloudy blue with some shadows.

    A sudden whistle betrayed the stealth projectile. He dived forward to avoid the javelin that passed over him. Spitting out a sip of fresh water, he straightened up and shook his head. Ready to leap sideways, he looked through the alleys. But still no sign of... slowly his jaw lowered when a silhouette detached from the stones of a wall facing him. The colour of its scales turned to dark green, lighter on the abdomen. A biped reptile was hung from an arm at the edge of the roof. He dropped to the ground, staring at the primate with his bulging, eyelidless eyes.

    - Don't come any closer ! he cried, threatening the strange creature with his machete. Don't come any closer or I'll cut you into slices !

    Deep in the water to his hips, he backed away step by step from the monster, unaware of his threats. Till his heel came up against something that reflected on contact with him.

    - What…

    Raising his arms, he finally realized that he was not alone in the bath. A host of creatures hid beneath the surface of the water. He shot his weapon down with a great blow, trying to kick one of them with his feet, which he saw between two reflections of light. Despite his movements slowed by the water, he managed to hit his target, which spent a second on the surface. Another reptile. No bigger than a puppy.

    - Don't come any closer ! he cried again as he returned to the biped, arrived at the stones delimiting his pool. I'll cut you into slices !

    With his back to the opposite wall, he pointed his weapon at the stationary chameleon. Attentive. The reptile had noticed the swirling at the primate's feet in panic. Not this one.

    In a large splash, a dark shape suddenly emerges from the water. Surprised, the bald man could not strike this new threat which clung to his chest before weighing all its weight. He felt more than he saw the deep scratch that ran across his face from forehead to chin. Beating his arms, he slowly collapsed against the wall like an implacable clamp tightened on his throat. He shouted a strangled cry as he disappeared under water, carried away by the beast less heavy than him but showing prodigious strength.

    Still, Keg'zalt observed the last air bubbles rising to the surface of the water, agitated by the last eddies tinged with red. He spent a long time meditating on what he had just witnessed.

    In this, not only had a generation of lizardmen been reborn. A much more powerful brood brother was among them.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2018
  3. Aginor
    Slann

    Aginor Fifth Spawning

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    I like it a lot!
    You have some errors here and there but considering that English isn't your first language you did a good job. I know how hard it is to write good English, for my own stories (I wrote a bit of Sci-Fi, never finished it and never showed anyone. :( ) I always got me a English native speaker to correct each chapter.
     
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  4. vg11k
    Skink

    vg11k Member

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    Thank you !

    Indeed, it's harder to make good sentence in this language even if translation tools help a lot to save time while doing it. Repetition, language expression, synonym... everything is harder :-/

    If it's no too much to ask, are there huge and obvious mistake that you could highlight ? Not plural or conjugation, it's on me to learn how to do it right i mean. Just words i obviously misunderstood...

    it's sad. Written stories are designed to be shared =)
     
  5. Aginor
    Slann

    Aginor Fifth Spawning

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    I've been thinking about that for years. It almost gives me a depression. I will probably write a short end and make it available on the net. It was the story for a Wing Commander fan mod, to read as a PDF or so between the actual missions, so I'll have to explain in a few short sentences what happens during the missions (some of them were almost finished, some weren't so it isn't possible to play the whole campaign).


    Sure, I'll just list some that sound weird to me. Disclaimer: Those don't have to be errors, I might be mistaken as well. I'll give them numbers so we can talk about them more easily.

    1.
    Something other than a person (their mind) being "confused" is a very uncommon thing in English. "tangled" might be a better word here.

    2.
    "Vegetable wall" sounds like carrots, cucumbers and radish stacked. I don't think that's what you want to say. I assume you translated something like "mur végétal" here, so "wall of plants/(vegetation)" or maybe "scrub" (if you want to be more literal) would be better translations.

    3.
    The "greenhouses" made me raise an eyebrow. I had no clue what you meant. I translated it back and now I think you translated "serre" which means fang or talon, or maybe "sharp edge"? A Greenhouse is a house made of plastic or glass to grow plants in.
    Also the grammar of that sentence is a bit weird btw. "took him of speed" is not something you can say in English.


    The rest of the errors I spotted are either wrong plurals or wrong conjugations, nothing too severe.

    EDIT: Oh one more thing: I noticed you start quite some sentences with "And". That's something you should generally avoid.


    I hope that is helpful for you. :)
     
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  6. vg11k
    Skink

    vg11k Member

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    Thanks a lot for you support, i appreciate.

    Allright, i'll use that. Wasn't expecting this expression to not exist in english.

    Indeed, it seems weird and funny to picture the chameleon hanging at carrots or potatoes. Scrub would do it.

    Damn, i've no excuse for greenhouse. Even after three reading i've miss this one. Yep, it is talon, a word that i already knew...
    But for "took him of speed" i'm stuck. It's a common expression to use in french when you are so fast that the thing you are compared to is surpassed and can't do anything. And i can't find a clean translation to that without being really verbal.

    edit : after more research, it seems you got a simple word who could do the job : outpace.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2018
  7. Aginor
    Slann

    Aginor Fifth Spawning

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    It does exist, my dictionary says you can describe voices or the sea as confused as well. It is rather uncommon though.

    You could maybe use something like "avoided the attack with almost unnatural swiftness, charging in and leaping over the sharp talons"
    or
    "in the blink of an eye he avoided the attack ...."
     
  8. vg11k
    Skink

    vg11k Member

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    Now that you say it, i've so much sentence like that in the first part, i disappoint myself. Another pass to rephrase all that repetition will be heavily needed.

    the last sentence seems good. Now that i've put 'outpaced' i'm not sure about which one to keep...
     
  9. Aginor
    Slann

    Aginor Fifth Spawning

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    Oh there are a lot of options in language, often you just need a nudge into the right direction and you find something that sounds nice.
    I am sure that with a little bit more practice translating your texts to English you will improve significantly in no time. :)
     
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