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Fiction A Whimper (January-February Short Story Contest)

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by discomute, Mar 7, 2017.

  1. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    A Whimper

    Another day walking after many months, I figured this jungle would probably kill me. Everything had made so much sense when I left the shores of Remas. My heart was filled with the most self righteousness rage. The lizardmen had come to our lands. My two brothers had died in the war that followed. I was too old to enlist, so they had carried my family's honour. I had stayed behind and looked after their two wives and daughters. We all had girls.

    The war my brothers had fought in had been short and bloody. We didn't know why they were there or why they destroyed the towns they did. Or why after so many victories they left as abruptly as they arrived. There was no official revenge planned, but those planning expeditions across the sea found no shortage of volunteers. I was promised everything to join this expedition, gold, jewels, honour. I didn't care about wealth or the glory. I wanted to kill them. To hack their heads off. The gold would go to their families. After I killed those evil beasts I could return home whole again. I could sleep again.

    Well I can sleep now. After 18 hours of marching it isn't a problem. For months, or maybe years, all we do is march. I sleep soundly at night. Sometimes I think I'm sleeping on my feet. I dream of back home. I want to hold my daughter. I want to play with my nieces. I just don't care about this any more. I don't think anyone does. I have no idea how long we have been here. My guess is that we are lost. I could ask command but what good would it do? It's easy finding food in the jungle. So I guess we will keep marching until we find something. Or something finds us. I don't know what we were thinking when we landed. I think we assumed the lizards would meet us at the shoreline, after a swift victory we would storm their cities and leave rich. Or maybe deep down I thought I would die in battle trying to avenge my poor baby brothers. But either way I would be able to sleep again. Well, I guess that mission has been accomplished.

    As the drizzle stops, the birds begin to sing. I take a large flat leaf and funnel the sweet water into my mouth. In the distance I can see the sun trying to break through the canopy. The smell of rain fills my chest. And onwards I walk.
     
  2. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Thank you or the feedback, yes I wish I could have expanded on it more. Throwing in Lizardmen as a setting rather than as characters was a gambit, I think it worked, but I respect if you didn't.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
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  3. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, as noted this was a super rush job for me. Really hoping to put more effort in next time.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  4. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Bowser, I love it when people get the same message out of it as I did.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
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  5. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Love love love this!

    Funny and drops a hint I agree with... could go on for longer.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  6. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Did my review of my own work influence you? Oh I feel dirty....

    "who trusts the reader to take the story further." twice as dirty....
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  7. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Yeah it was supposed to be an old man, young daughter style thing. It was supposed to hint that making a family to him had never been a priority. I agree though that reference was a bit too vague.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
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  8. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Thanks mate! Really appreciate the kind words.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  9. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    I think even saying an introduction is generous. It reads sort of like a fable you drop in conversation. "Don't be too hasty to go to war, because this one guy did, this is what happened" and it takes one minute to describe. A bit of a shortcut to a proper story. Alas, all I had time for.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
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  10. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Thanks very much and I will definitely check out that poem!
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
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  11. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    PS. Bowser if you have read through all this I expect you to like every single post :)
     
  12. Slanputin
    Carnasaur

    Slanputin Well-Known Member

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    I've been quoted in this, but the word are not my own. Madness.
     
  13. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    No idea how this happened given I was copy and pasting... think I have fixed it
     
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  14. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Madness?
    No.

    THIS
    IS
    LUSTRIA!
     
  15. Killer Angel
    Slann

    Killer Angel Prophet of the Stars Staff Member

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    Now that the dust is settling, I can reveal that I gave you one of my votes... :p
     
  16. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Awesome!

    You know, I think you have voted for one of my stories in the past, possibly the last one (the skink who told war stories to get the city revved up). Wouldn't it be cool to see a breakdown of who has voted for all your comps, and who you have voted for? To see if you have favourite authors or readers?

    Yeah, I know, impossible to do.

    PS. Also everyone I have added comments to all the reviews
     
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  17. Killer Angel
    Slann

    Killer Angel Prophet of the Stars Staff Member

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    The Waning Moon!
    Yes, it was one of my votes.


    Indeed, it would be nice, but I don't know if it would be possible.
     
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  18. discomute
    Terradon

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Even if it was possible, another question would be 'is it moral'? People may not like it, and scalenex would be right to want everyone to consent to their votes being given out... In of itself would be a massive task for our dear keeper
     
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  19. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    Like button initiated. Targets locked on. Engage Like button. Like Button detonated. Mission successful.

    I also love it when I get what the author was going for! Makes my review make so much more sense!
     
  20. Killer Angel
    Slann

    Killer Angel Prophet of the Stars Staff Member

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    Yeah, I see more possible downsides than positive results...
     

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